It's Just Me

Lola

2006-08-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

When my brother and I were in our early teens, one of us (I forget which) bought a Kinks album.

I met her in a club down in old Soho
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Cherry Cola C-O-L-A Cola

We played it so often we learned all the words by heart, and LOLA was one of our favorite songs.

She walked up to me and she asked me to dance.
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, "Lola"
L-O-L-A Lola, lo lo lo Lola

Isn't that a great line? In a dark brown voice she said, "Lola". Gorgeous.

Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy,
but when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola

We thought she squeezed his spine that hard because she was so enthusiastic about meeting him. Sweet.

Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
why she walks like a woman and talks like a man
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola

We surmised that Lola sounded like a man because she was talking loudly. They were in a club and she needed to speak above the music.

Well, we drank champagne and danced all night,
under electric candlelight,
she picked me up and sat me on her knee
She said, "Little boy won't you come home with me?"

This was an age of women's lib, right? So why wouldn't she invite him home. Sounded perfectly normal to us.

Well, I'm not the world's most passionate guy,
but when I looked in her eyes,
I almost fell for my Lola Lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola

We sang along with the lyrics nearly every day for months on end.

I pushed her away.
I walked to the door.
I fell to the floor.
I got down on my knees.
I looked at her, and she at me.

We had heard about transsexuals and transvestites, we had even seen at least one in person one before, but we didn't connect it with sexuality at all. We probably thought it was just about odd fashion sense.

Well that's the way that I want it to stay.
I always want it to be that way for my Lola.
Lo lo lo Lola.

At this age I think we would have been a bit more savvy. We were city kids, we had friends that knew stuff. Why didn't we know anything?

Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls.
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world,
except for Lola.
Lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo Lola.

We really thought at the time we understood what these lyrics meant.

Well I left home just a week ago,
and I never ever kissed a woman before
Lola smiled and took me by the hand
She said, "Little boy, gonna make you a man."

I wonder if other teenagers were just as clueless, or if it was pretty much just us.

Well I'm not the world's most masculine man,
but I know what I am and that I'm a man
So is Lola.
Lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo Lola.

I wonder if that level of naivete still exists today.

Stalked

2006-08-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

There is a bird stalking me.

OK, I realize that sounds more than a little paranoid. But I swear, this bird is one determined fowl.

It started 2 summers ago. I heard peck-peck-pecking in my laundry room. When I opened the door, I saw a bird hanging on to the top of the window frame with one foot, pecking at the window pane with his little beak. At the time I thought it was kind of cute. Awww...look, the widdle birdie wants to say hello. Hello, birdie.

This went on all summer. Only the widdle birdie was now pecking at several different windows in my house - all the windows that do not have screens in them. Peck-peck-peck.

He (she?) went away by the start of autumn, but has returned each summer to annoy the hell out of me. What on earth does this bird want? Is it the same bird, or maybe it's the 2nd or 3rd generation of the first bird? Aren't there other people to stalk? Why would a bird want to get in a house anyway?

It isn't the pecking that annoys me. It's the poop. It's really gross.

Nature really is for the birds.

Lost

2006-07-27T15:54:00.000-07:00

I've forsaken my evening blogging by watching back epidsodes of Lost of DVD.

Love this show! Great acting and dialog, interesting plot, awesome character development. Good stuff. My husband and I are totally hooked. Well, I'm off to wash the kids, put them to bed, and watch the 4th DVD of Season 1.

Oh, and I also joined the Busted Can of Buscuits community blog to help me lose some of the pounds I've gained over the past few months. Twice I wrote the first two paragraphs in this post and published in that blog. See how excited I am about seeing that show tonight?

Stranger Danger

2006-07-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

My little girl is the friendliest person I have ever known. It's amazing to see her approach nearly everyone in her path, whether they be a haggard old homeless person or a child her own age with the same thrill and enthusiasm. I'm a bit shy by nature, and so is my son, so it's almost comical to see us nearly bow our heads in embarrassment and feign polite smiles while my daughter fearlessly introduces the entire family and tells her life story. It's also very scary.

I can't begin to count the number of times she has invited people over to our house. I tell her afterward, "You can't invite people over!" She says, "Why?" in a most perplexed voice. I say, "Because we don't even know their names. They are strangers." This means nothing to my little girl.

Some strangers great my daughter's friendliness with cheer in return, some ignore her, and others really don't know what to make of it. I notice that as she gets older (she's 4 but pretty tall for her age), many people, especially other mothers, shoot me a look of concern. I understand the look to mean, "This is dangerous."

Yes, it is very dangerous. I have nightmares right in the middle of the day of my daughter slipping away from me, only to be quickly lured by promises of candy or puppies, or simply a bit of friendship. Right now my biggest concern is how to create a little fear into my innocent little girl. I feel like a big ol' meanie, a Mr. Grinch, but I don't see any way around it. I've got to make her a little bit afraid of people. I just don't know how, or even it that is very wise.

I've spoken to other mothers, friends of mine who have children, and they say to do it, instill the fear, make them afraid. Exactly how healthy is this? I don't know. I'm confused.

Reflections

2006-07-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

There was a time I drank to drown my sorrows. I drank during the day, every single day. I would finish my chores, then pour myself a couple of very tall, stiff drinks. I ruefully called this time of day my happy hour, and I actually looked forward to it. It makes me sick to think of that.

It was sad, self-pitying, lonely time. I had left my job in the anticipation of an adoption that never happened - we were ready to receive a brother and sister, 1 and 3 years old, overseas.
When that fell through I found myself very depressed with a lot of time on my hands.

I am a person who has trouble sharing my pain, and with the exception of my mother and my husband, no one knew how messed up I really was. I was angry and hurting deep, and I turned to the bottle to numb myself. Dumb.

At that time I had no supports, however that was my own fault. My friends knew what I was going through, but not what was happening inside of me. They didn't know about he dank, ugly mess that was my soul. I think they would have turned from me to avoid seeing a person who had become a black hole.

I didn't know about adoption message boards at that time. I didn't find them until after we had adopted our children. I wonder if it would have helped. On the other hand, with so many trolls and anti-adoption voices, maybe I was better off. I was way too fragile to know about the existence of birthmothers and adult adoptees who choose to view adoption negatively.

During the time when we waited for our children I developed many deep wounds that I thought would never heal. I lost myself completely. I thought I'd never return from such an lightless place, but my children saved me. Those adoption boards who repeatedly claim "adoption doesn't cure infertility" really do not know of which they speak. I needed children in my life. I needed a family of my own. The fact is that I have what I am looking for. I finally have the purpose I waited so long for.

I can't say that it doesn't matter that my children have biological parents other than my husband and me. Of course it matters. They matter. The kids' biological parents are an addition to our lives - they do not subtract what we have as a family. I wish I knew that during that difficult time when I very mistakenly viewed adoption as the alternative to a "real" family. I wish I knew. It would have saved a lot of wear and tear on my heart and my soul.

Very slowly, very surely, I am regaining myself. I am coming back to that place where I feel secure in the world, where I feel that pain does not lurk around every corner. I am feeling a bit of self confidence coming back to me.

The positive side to all those experiences is that my scars have made me a much stronger person. As they heal, I can feel the pain in every stitch. The memories of all those experiences have become physical entities sewn right into my body. These scars have made me tougher - so much tougher, but more importantly, I can see the silver lining where I never really did in the past. I finally understand the sayings Everything Happens for a Reason, God Has a Plan, and This Too Shall Pass.

I thank God for my infertility, for the years of heartbreak and sorrow. Without them I wouldn't have my children, these gifts from God, and without them I wouldn't have the new and improved me. Thank God.

Yogi Soldiers

2006-07-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

Loved this!

Yoga catching on with soldiers

My evil thought of the day

2006-07-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

When I read this headline...

Hooters chairman Brooks found dead

I thought, "Good!"

Yes, I know that is totally evil, but the idea of exploiting young women's bodies to sell chicken wings really pisses me off.

Meme!!!

2006-07-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

I lifted this from Joy.

In My Purse
Diapers, baby wipes, inhaler, a pen, a pad of paper, crayons, keys, sunglasses, several lipsticks, bandaids, wallet, cell phone, Purell.

In My Refrigerator
Milk, yogurt, sliced pineapple, leftover chicken, green beans, a couple of beers, garlic, onions, orange juice, lemonade, apples, eggs, cheese, butter, and about 2 dozen assorted condiments.

In My Closet
Lots of shoes, a case of my daughter's dress-up clothes, ironing board and iron, my clothes and my husband's clothes, belts and ties.

In My Car
Several children's books, 2 Magnadoodles, 2 car seats, 1 stroller, 1 first aid kit, 2 umbrellas, Purell, pens, bank deposit slips, nail file, nail polish, Clorox wipes.

Man oh man, I didn't realize what a high maintenance gal I've become.

It's a Boy!

2006-07-14T05:04:00.000-07:00

When we were trying to conceive a baby, then when we were trying to adopt, I secretly wished for a girl. Actually, I'm terrible at keeping secrets from hubby, so I did tell him.

My husband was horrified. "Don't say that! What if we have a boy?" He feared that I wouldn't love the baby as much if it were a boy, which is of course not true. I knew I would love either gender, but if I had to choose, I would want at least one girl to add to the family.

When my daughter was born I was ecstatic. I would have been thrilled with a boy too, but I had the little girl I had hoped and prayed for so many years. When we were ready for adoption #2, I secretly hoped for another girl. I didn't say anything to hubby this time.

I think I wanted a girl again because I knew what to expect. My daughter is a typical girly-girl (I could go into an analysis here on nature vs. nurture creating gender-specific qualities, and I would like to, but I think I'll save that for another post), and I enjoy every part of that. My husband and I are far from being sports inclined and we are definitely not aggressive by nature. I think I was a little nervous about the possibility of a little tasmanian devil-type character. I was happy when we learned that my son's birthmother would be delivering a boy, but I was a little unsure as to how I would fare as the mother of a son.

As Karma would have it, my boy turned out all the rough-and-tumble you could ever expect. He's more boy than I think I've ever even seen at that age. Though our TV has never shown a sporting event (except to channel surf right on by it), at 2 1/2 years of age my son knows how to hold a bat and hit a ball. He's obsessed with wrestling, dinosaurs, and trucks. He is fascinated by anything S-C-A-R-Y. He has brought a whole new world into our home. And it is wonderful.

The most beautiful part of having a son, for me, is the intensity in which he gives his love. As severe as his temper tantrums can be (though thankfully those have declined drastically), the other side of the coin is the depth of emotion contained his kisses and hugs.

I have been blessed to have an abundance of loving people in my life, but nothing holds a candle to the way my son looks at me, the way he hold me face in his hands and presses his lips to me, the way it seems the world would shatter if I looked at him the wrong way or if I leave the house without him.

My son can be a very greedy little boy. Touch the food on his plate, and you'll likely lose a finger. Mess with his blankie, and you'll get what's coming to you. But somehow it's different with Mommy. If I'm laying down, he often runs over with his blanket, tucking me in and making sure I'm comfortable. If I'm sitting down while he's eating, he'll offer me the food on his plate and insist that I try a bite. His Daddy just looks and shakes his head because he does not get near the same treatment.

Yes, my son is little bit of a mamma's boy. He's also a bit of a tasmanian devil. But I wouldn' t have it any other way.

And we're off...

2006-07-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

My apologies for not keeping up here. Once we get back from our trip to the Lake next week I will look forward to posting, reading everyone's blogs, and seeing what you all are up to.

This summer has been a busy one so far. And by summer, I'm talking about the period of time since all the rain stopped - about a couple of weeks ago. We're in the yard, we're off to the park, we just can't sit still. I love this warm, sunny weather.

Today we are indoors. I am packing for our getaway. It'll be a family event - my MIL, my parents, and a couple of brothers-in-law will be with us too. It'll be one of those fun but irritating vacations. You know how it gets when you get too many family members in close living quarters for extended periods of time. Hmmm.

Oh well, I'll just try to focus on the fun. Thank God I don't have PMS. Somebody would kill me by the end of the trip.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I finished a fantastic book - The Time Travelers Wife. I couldn't put it down.

Fine Art

2006-06-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

The kids spent a good part of the morning painting with water colors. What a mess, but they sure had fun. By the end, they had created pages and pages of beautiful swirls and swooshes, and they also looked like Goldie Hawn on Laugh-In. Now that's body art.

On another note, I have two parties to go to this weekend - one is dressy and one is casual. I used some glue-on nails to see how it would look. Classy, no? Uh...I think no is probably the right answer. What do you think? Should I leave them on or take them off?

Oh, and that's a bandaid I've got on my thumb to cover up the small knife wound incurred as a result of unloading of the dishwasher. My life is just so very glamorous.

Body and Mind

2006-06-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

It's popular belief that positive thinking is a huge factor in preventing illness and recovering from illness. Think happy, cheery thoughts, smile, invite others to share positive vibes, and actually will the sickness from your body. If you do not recover, it's probably because your thoughts just were not sunny enough. Seems like a lot of pressure to me. Plus, I kind of disagree. Though I'm not sure that positive thought is necessary in curing illness, I am however a believer in thought affecting illness.

The idea that we can decide to get better or not was impressed upon me after seeing several of my family members go through major battles with cancer. The ones that really stick out in my mind are my paternal grandfather, my maternal grandmother, and one of my cousins. Unfortunately, there has been more illness in my family than that, but those are the ones I was/am closest to.

My paternal grandfather almost fully recovered from a stroke (of which the doctors said he would never bounce back), then later beat cancer in his late 80s. He was a stubborn old guy (no disrespect here - I am really very proud of him) who did not want to die. He was 96 years old when he finally, very reluctantly, slipped away. Before that time, he was by no means a positive, sunny soul. He was a "glass half-empty" kind of person. However, he knew with all his being that he didn't want to die. I believe that determination easily added an extra 15 years onto his life.

I saw my maternal grandmother get sick and pass on in just a matter of months. She was ready to go to the next life, and she died much sooner than expected. She didn't want to be a burden. I still cry when I think of her. I wish I had more time with her. She was only 72 when she very serenely passed. She knew that she did not want to hang on - and she didn't.

Then my cousin, who is about 10 years older than me, was diagnosed and eventually recovered from an advanced form of Multiple Myeloma cancer. It was around that time I really began think about whether or not positive thinking was truly necessary in order to beat an illness.

My cousin has a very confident, energetic, assertive personality. She doesn't sit still for a second. She's always got plans and ambitions, and she most often gets what she wants. When she got sick, she was pissed off. Big time. She wasn't depressed, but she was really put out by this illness. It was slowing her down, and she was angry. I worried. She already had a very advanced, aggressive sort of cancer. How in the world is she going to recover with that frame of mind?

The wonderful news here is that she did recover. She's been in remission for years now. She has some painful and debilitating bone degeneration from the disease and the chemo, but she is still traveling and still LIVING. My cousin never for a minute expected to die from her disease. I guess if she had felt defeated, she very likely would have been defeated. Even if she didn't have positive thinking, she did have a very strong will to live.

I wondered about the positive thinking theory and how it fit (or rather, didn't fit) with my family's experiences. Were they anomalies? With any situation, there is bound to be the stray story or two that doesn't fit into the norm. Was that the case here?

Then I saw an program on TV about a study that was done on frame of mind and how it affects illness. In this study, they found that focus and determination was the key. Positive thinking is good, but being angry can be even better. People who saw their illness as an enemy and focused that energy actually recovered at a better rate than people who did not have that fire in their belly.

I think that this is important for people to know who are going through an illness. If they are told to "think positive", and fail to muster up that emotion, that person would likely believe that they were responsible for their disease and its progression - that it is their fault if they die. Isn't this a form of blaming the victim? I believe that thoughts are very powerful. It's not necessary that they be green grassy, happy thoughts. They just have to be thoughts of conviction and strength.

Anyway, this is on my mind because I have two people in my life at the moment (both very young) that are battling with cancer. They are both of the mindset that THEY BELIEVE they will beat it, and they only want to be surrounded by people who believe the same thing. This doesn't mean that they have to be cheerful all the time. They are going through some rough medical treatments, they feel awful, and they are not exactly having the time of their lives. But they are focused on the will to live.

When I was going through all those years of infertility, then the early stages of adoption, people always managed to say things that, instead of being helpful as they intended, stung a bit. I don't want to do that to those people in my life going through so much more than I ever went through. I need to think before I speak, say things that won't just serve to make myself feel better, and really support them in their struggle.

Ogunquit, Maine

2006-06-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

Today we went on a day trip today to the Maine seacoast. We were accompanied by my cousin and her family, my parents, and my nephews.

Well over half of our party today ranged in age from 2 years old to 10 years old. As my cousin's husband remarked, "It was like herding cats."

We took a long, leisurely walk along the beach, the rocky cliffside paths, and the docks. It was one of those perfect days - that is if you like overcast, low 70s, and slightly humid. To me anyway, it was perfect.

Of all the people in our crowd, it was my son that was the most awed and the most appreciative of the gorgeous sights. My mother and I marveled at his ability to appreciate nature's beauty. He was the youngest in our group, yet he was the most aware of his surroundings. He is in love with the sea.

He didn't want to leave, but I promised him that we will be back next week. And we will. We'll go back, as we do every year, for the 4th of July. I can't wait.

Scotty, beam me up

2006-06-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

I love Yoga. Love it. I've been practicing on a regular basis for about 6 or 7 years now, and I learn something new every time I go to a class or I use a new DVD.

Yoga keeps my muscles toned and flexible, and it clears my head. Most importantly, it puts me in touch with what is happening with my body - it shows me where all the negative tension is stored, and it gives me a way to eradicate it.

I have gone into yoga classes in the most foul of moods, and have exited serene, yet strong, both mentally and physically. Also, I've got some bad spinal discs, so yoga has become responsible for keeping my aches and pains under control and keeping my body fit (well, not totally fit, but better than it would be without any exercise at all).

So anyway, I start going to a new yoga studio that's a bit...odd. I should have seen the warning signs right of the bat, but sometimes I am quite dense. It takes me a while to figure things out.

The first tip-off is that the woman who owns the studio goes by the title "Yogini". She is Yogini Dolly*. That's how she refers to herself, and that's how she is addressed. All of the yoga teachers who work for her go by the Yogini title as well.

Now, I know this is a valid title. These teachers are great at what they do, and they have gone through all the study and practice to become certified in their field. But no other yoga teachers I know have used their title. It sounds just a little pretentious to me, but honestly, I really don't judge it at first. Who knows? Maybe I would do the same thing in their postion, though I kind of doubt it. Whatever.

The second tip off is that students participating in the classes must wear all white clothing. No color at all - pure white. When I tell my husband this, he asks, "What is this, a cult!?" "No!", I exclaim emphatically. I maintain that the studio is just really into background and beliefs that go into the particular style of yoga they practice, and I explain the theory behind wearing white. I have no problems with it at this point, other than the fact that I have to go out and find white yoga pants. Lovely. I love showing my ample derriere in the most unflattering way imaginable.

The third warning sign has to do with chanting. The chanting is about living peacefully with ourselves, others, and the world around us. It has to do with praising the creator of the universe. I'm OK with this. I choose not to join in, not only because I don't know the words, but because that's simply not me. I'm not uncomfortable hearing it, in fact I rather enjoy it, but I would be very uncomfortable participating. However, I do start to feel uneasy when the teacher keeps handing me printouts of the chants and nudges me to join. Uhhh....no. I don't think so.

Still, at this point I'm fine with the weirdness. The classes themselves are very good, and like I said, I really enjoy yoga.

The fourth and final warning sign, the thing that has really got me thinking, maybe this studio is not for me, is the music they play during the final resting portion of the practice. It goes something like this: Hari Krishna, Hari Krishna, Hari Krishna.

I am so out of there.

*Name changed to protect the Yogini

Quote of the Day

2006-06-24T07:34:00.000-07:00

"You know you are the mother of a toddler when your child gets stuck behind the bed and you hesitate before going to free him."

The Test

2006-06-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning and it came out negative. I was pretty shocked, considering how my body has been screaming, "Pregnant!" for a couple of weeks now. I encountered another emotion, one that really surprised me. After nearly 10 years of wanting so badly to be pregnant (and to actually sustain a pregnancy), I was actually relieved at the negative result.

I had no idea I would feel that way. Of course, I've known for a while now that my family is complete and that a biological child is no longer something I wish for, especially since it would render my children "different" from a genetic offspring. But I still expected the sting, the harsh reminder of infertility. It wasn't there. Hmmft. Figure that one out.

A few hours later the blood came. I soon realized that it wasn't a regular period. The pressure on my lower back, waves of blood rather than a steady stream, aches in my upper thighs, exhaustion - these things tell me that it is something else. A loss.

As opposed to how I have felt in the past about these things, I am no longer mourning my infertility. Rather, I am simply grieving the loss of this specific life - the child I am unable to sustain.

I need to figure something out. Birth control? I hate the side effects. No more sex? Puh-lease. A complete hysterectomy? Yes, thank you! Wait for menopause? I'm not even sure when that happens.

Hmm...I've really got to think about this one. I don't want to go through this ever again.

Update on the Critter

2006-06-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

My husband didn't smell it at all. He almost didn't believe me when I told him how sure I was that there was a rotting carcass in the house.

It's so weird because to me the odor was horrific. He finally, after I nagged him to submission, opened up the wall where we heard the scratching noise a few days ago. There was a baby squirrel there - dead.

Hubby thinks that it's possible that a predator scared the squirrel into finding an opening in the roof. Then the little guy worked his way down through the insulation into the bottom floor, just above the fuse box. That was the end of the line and the squirrel had no way to go from there.

Anyway, the wall is in the process of getting patched up. Since he has to paint the patch job anyway, he's going to paint the whole space. I chose a very pretty terra cotta color. It's going to really warm up the room.

Gone for a Bit

2006-06-20T05:51:00.000-07:00

A little animal died in my chimney. No, I'm not speaking metaphorically. We heard scratching a couple of days ago in the area of our wood burning stove, and now there is a horrible odor in the family room. That's where my computer is located. So until I can get someone to come out and remove said beast, I will be away from the computer area.

I hope everyone is well, and many thanks for your kind words regarding the last post. You guys are the best!

Number Five

2006-06-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

My body is telling me things I don't want to hear. After all these years it's not even necessary to pee on a stick. I'm pretty certain. Now all there is to do is wait. Wait until the life within drains from me. Of that fate I am certain as well.

I'm so sorry, little one. I'm so sorry this body can't hold on to you, make you grow and live. I'm so sorry.

Shopping

2006-06-14T17:39:00.000-07:00

I hate, hate, HATE shopping, but I've done quite a bit of it in the last week or so. Now that summer is finally here, I find that my clothes are really out of style. Just awful. Plus, the kids need stuff too.

In the most traumatic of moments, I tried on bathings suits. I already had two that I kind of like - they cover all the horrible parts and accentuate the not-as-bad areas. The problem was that they are two piece deals, tankini with little skirts, so when bend over my tattoo (which is located on my lower back, just below my waistline) shows. I don't mind that it's visible, except when I'll be with my parents. I know it will bother them to see it, so I figure I'd find a couple of suits that cover that area. Well, the shopping turned out to be a success. I found two cute suits, plus a really cute Nautica skirt to wear over it - for only $58. Not bad at all.

Then today I found the perfect pair of capri jeans, I mean PERFECT - for only $16.00 at Marshalls. I used all the self control I could muster not to hoot and dance with joy right in the store. I'm still on a little bit of a high over that one.

Catching up with the Past

2006-06-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

The past and the present are swirling and spiraling in a vortex of emotions and rediscovery. I can look at the past, see each decision, and realize how it shaped my present - how seemingly happenstance occurrences have created my life as it is today.

Things that I hadn't thought in so many years are now engrained and intertwined in my reality. People I haven't seen in two decades are now part of my everyday existence. How can they possibly be so different, yet so very much the same?

We have rediscovered teenage relationships through adult viewpoints. We have been willing to reveal so much of ourselves, so much of our inner workings. People normally cover the vulnerable parts, dress those aspects of our personalities nice and pretty. With these old relationships, we don't know how to convolute. We are approaching each other with childlike naiveté. It is healing, it is scary, it is comforting, it is real.

Weekend Update

2006-06-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

After rain, rain, and more rain, we had an absolutely gorgeous day today. We were lucky in that this is the day we picked to have our first summer BBQ. Some people pitched in on bringing food, so the preparation for today's festivities was relatively easy too.

The kids had a ball playing in the yard with their cousins. They didn't stop for a minute. We adults ate way too much. But in our defense, the first summer grilling is always the best.

After everyone left my son decided he wanted to for a walk - just the two of us. During our walk I kept suggesting that we turn around and go home. - it was getting late. He didn't want to. He was really enjoying himself. I was too.

Last night the four of us went to a restaurant. It was the first time in a couple of months since my son's horrible restaurant behavior caused us to take pity on other patrons - so we've eaten at home. Since I've been working on setting firmer expectations for my son, he's been behaving much more maturely. So we went out. And it was a big success. We chose a local BBQ joint with a western theme. It's got very good food, but best of all it's very kid friendly.

Our little man tried to get out of his seat a few times, but I had a trick up my sleeve. I had my son seated in a booster seat, but I also asked the waitress to place a high chair at our table. Since my son hates high chairs, I used that to my advantage. Every time he tried to get out of his chair, I would say, "Do you want to sit back down, or do you want to go in the high chair." The first time he didn't respond I picked him up and started to put him in the high chair. He said, "No, Mama - that chair (the booster seat)." I said, "OK, but you have to stay seated." After that if he tried to get up, I would calmly count to three. He knows that by the time I get to three he's supposed to have listened - or else face a consequence. In this case, the consequence was clear in that he would have gone to the high chair - for good.

So he was quiet, he stayed seated, and he ate his food. I was very, very pleased. My daughter was very well behaved too, so we ordered a dessert as a reward. And we gave them lots of praise throughout the meal for good behavior. So far, so good. Things have improved, and hopefully we'll keep on this path.

I got the book that Cheryl recommended, but I have not read it yet. I'll do that this week. I'm sure I will get a lot out of it.

Reunion Stuff

2006-06-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Our 20 year high school reunion date has been moved 2 months closer than expected. It's going to be on September 9th. I'm so excited. I've been very busy with planning. We've got a web community up and running, and I've been real active in that.

There are still 7 classmates missing, and several people have jumped in to step up the search. I have a feeling 2 of those missing people are intentionally MIA what with unanswered phone messages and all. Ah well, not everyone has to be interested in a reunion I guess.

We've got another get together scheduled for next Saturday. This will be the 3rd large-ish scale mini-reunion before the main event. It'll be fun

One of my friends from high school, someone I haven't seen since graduation day, posted a beautiful and heartfelt message about how rare and how meaningful it is to him that we've come together like this. He said that it has helped heal his "broken adolescence". Amazing.

If I'm absent for a while, it is because of the planning.

Another Meme

2006-06-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

I seem to keep lifting stuff from Blazing-Firebird. I just love these things. Here's another meme.

1. Are your parents married, divorced, deceased or other? Still married.
2. Are you a Vegetarian? No
3. Believe in Heaven? Yes
4. Have you come close to dying? No
5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? I wear jewelry but not 24/7
6. Are you eating? Not at the moment, though earlier tonight I had the most delicious Mussels Fra Diavalo at a really cool oceanside restaurant.
7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Sometimes
8. Wear Makeup? Most days
9. How many people have you kissed in the last month? Too many to count! My family is European, so we great each other with a kiss on the cheek, sometimes a kiss on each cheek.
10. Would you ever have plastic surgery? Not sure - probably not.
11. What do you wear to bed? Pajamas
12. Have you ever done anything illegal? Speeding and underage drinking. I'm not proud of either.
13. Can you roll your tongue? Yes
14. Pluck your eyebrows? Yes
15. What kind of watch(es)? I have a Bolova that my mother bought me when I was 16. My other watches are nothing special.
16. Abortion? I'm a feminist and a Democrat, but I do not favor abortions except in extreme medical conditions.
17. Hair color? Brown
18. Future child's name? I'm pretty sure my family is complete. No future children for us I think.
19. Do you snore? When my allergies are acting up I do.
20. If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go? Just one? That's too hard. I know I want to go to Greece, Japan, Africa (on safari), Italy (all over), Paris, the Grand Canyon, Tahiti, and Bora Bora...just to name a few.
21. What is on your feet right now? I'm barefoot.
22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Travel!
23. Gold or silver? Both, but not at the same time.
24. Hamburger or hot dog? Hamburger
25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pizza
26. Beach, city, or country? Beach
27. What was the last thing you touched before the keyboard? Laundry
28. Where do you eat? I seldom sit down to eat. I take bites here and there while I feed my kids and clean up.
29. When's the last time you cried? I don't remember .
30. Have you read blogs? Sure I have!
31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? No
32. Ever been involved with the police? No
33. How many times have you been married? Once
34. Do you talk in your sleep? No
35. Beach or pool? Beach
36. What's your favorite song at the moment? You're Beautiful
37. How do you take your steak? Red meat isn't really my thing, but on the rare occasion I do it it, I like a lot of red in it - Medium Rare to Medium
38. Window or seat aisle? Window
39. Ever met a famous person? A few
40. Do you feel that you've ever had a truly successful relationship? Yes, with my husband.
41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
42. Rickie Lake or Oprah Winfrey? Oprah
43. Basketball or Football? Neither. I really don't get sports.
44. How long do your showers last? Depends. Just a few minutes if my kids are up. Quite a few minutes if they are asleep.
45. Do you drive a stick? No
6. Cake or ice cream? My favorite is warm chocolate cake with an ice cream scoop on top.
47. Self-conscious? Much of the time.
48. What time do you get up? Around 6:00 am
49. Have you ever given money to a bum? I used to go to school and work downtown for many years. I gave money to homeless people frequently, but after I had some encounters with some really weird/crazy/belligerent people, I stopped giving.
50. When was your first crush? I was a freshman in high school, and I had a crush on the high school football team's quarterback. When he asked me out, I literally ran away. I ran all the way home. I was such a dork.
51. Where do you wish you were? Somewhere warm and tropical.
52. Have you ever broken someone's heart? Not sure.
53. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? No
54. Have you ever ridden on/in a fire truck? No
55. Last gift you received? Christmas gifts
56. Name the last three things you purchased. A pair of black capri pants with a red sleeveless top and strappy black sandals.
57. Things you spend a lot of money on? My kids.
58. What state do you live in? NH
59. How do you eat an OREO? Can't remember. It's been quite a long time.
60. Last wedding attended? My friend Larry
61. Favorite Fast Food place to eat? There's an independently owned Mexican place at the mall. It's got very healthy, fresh, and tasty food.
62. Do you like to shop? NO!
63. Most hated food/drink? Celery, beer, and rootbeer
64. Last play you saw? Oh, it's been a while. Probably "Rent".
65. Can you sing? I have a horrible singing voice...but that doesn't stop me!
66. One thing you hate? Intentional malice.
67. One wish: To raise my kids to the best of my ability.
68. Favorite drink? Non alcoholic - water. Alcoholic - merlot.
69. Current Crush: Does my husband count? I wouldn't qualify it as a crush - it's more like a steady romance.
70. What is my height? 5' 2"
71. What is my shoe size? 6.5 or 7

Total Turnaround

2006-06-02T11:10:00.001-07:00

The change is amazing. He went from wild child to a pleasant and relatively well-behaved little boy. I'm shocked at the rapid transformation.

His previous behavior was completely my fault, I'm convinced of it. I let him get away with stuff, I pacified him constantly. My thinking was, "Oh, he's just a baby. He doesn't know any better." But when my daughter was that age, I was expected so much more from her. I think it's because her verbal skills were advanced for her age, and I thought of her as older than she was.

But it's so weird, now that I'm implementing time outs, giving choices, and issuing consequences for undesirable behavior (like taking away a toy or stopping play time), his verbal skills have improved too...in just a few days! He's been able to talk in full sentences for a while now, but even so, he didn't talk very often. Now that I'm communicating to him better about what I expect, he's communicating better with me. Less yelling, more words - from both of us.

It's much more fair to my daughter this way too. I couldn't get away with, "Just give it to him, he's just a baby. He doesn't know any better" much longer. She saw right through that faster than I did.

My stress level is way down again. My husband has been ripping away at part of the back yard as he slowly but surely builds a new retaining wall and staircase in our back yard. The dirt and the mess has been driving me nuts. But now that things have improved in the house, I'm feeling less stressed about what's going on outside the house.

In the meantime, I ordered this book which Cheryl recommended to me. I can't wait to get it in the mail.

My Bad

2006-05-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

So I've regaled tales and complaints on recent bad behavior on the part of my kids, especially my son, the two year old. This weekend held a breaking point, but it also contained a moment of realization - I was perpetuating my son's bad conduct. (Gasp!)

Yes, mommy guilt and all that - I was/am responsible for the fact that we can hardly take my son out in public in the past few months without his screaming, throwing stuff, and generally acting like a madman. He's fantastic at parties, get togethers and playdates, but terrible in places like the mall, restaurants, and doctors offices.

I keep telling him "NO" when he misbehaves, but really, what is the incentive to listen when you are a high spirited and very energetic young man? If I'm not effectively using techniques to modify bad behavior, how is it his fault? He's just two. He really doesn't know better unless I teach him. And I know now that my daughter's recent bad behavior is just a reaction from her brother's naughty deeds.

So this weekend, I discovered "the time out" for the spirited boy. Time outs are different for him than they are for my daughter. When I say time out, she will immediately go to the designated spot and stay there until either she has calmed down or I tell her she can come back. She is never happy about it, but she does it just because she is supposed to. This is not the case with my little boy. I find I have to use a completely way of doing it.

I haven't read any books on how to do this with my son. I know they are out there, and I'm not sure why I'm not laying my hands on them. Maybe I'm afraid those books will create even more mommy guilt. I just can't handle that. So I'll just try it my way and see how it goes.

So anyway, I discovered that a time out, even if he only sitting in the designated spot with help on my part, and even if he is only there for a few seconds, actually does work. He went from maniacal behavior yesterday, throwing stuff all over the place and hitting his sister, to more careful and considerate conduct - after just 3 time outs. Not too bad. Then, once his behavior improved my daughter immediately started playing nicely as well. I think this might work {{looks up to heaven, does a sign of the cross, then knocks on wood for good measure}}.

My goal is to get my son to be able to sit semi-politely in a restaurant by the weekend. Or maybe by next weekend. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. Either that or just call Nanny 911 - I might need it.

I Live in a Loony Bin

2006-05-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

There is absolutely no way my kids could have figured out on their own how to be as annoying as they were this week. There must have been a secret toddler/pre-schooler course that they took without my knowledge. I mean, how else could this week be explained in any other way?

It all started on Tuesday morning. I was in a heated discussion with my daughter about whether or not she should do poo-poos (our word for bowel movements) on the potty. She maintained that poo-poos are scary and she doesn't want to do them. I insisted that we have no choice - it's in the pot or in the underwear. Better in the pot.

Anyway, while we were having this conversation, I noticed that my little boy was awfully quiet. This was very, very disconcerting to me. I finally had to de-pants my little girl and place her on the toilet. End of discussion.

I open the door to my son's room, and notice right away that he's buck naked. He says, "Mama, I do poo-poos." I scan the room, and see a whole bunch of stuff I don't want to see. First, there is the dirty diaper, poo-side-down on the carpet. Then there is the brown stained sheets, pillow case, rug, and walls. Every stitch of clothing from his bureau is strewn across the floor. I think I'm having a heart attack. Maybe a stroke. Possibly both.

And he's standing there, looking at me expectantly, crouching because his bum is uncomfortably dirty, wondering how I'm going to rectify the situation. Aaaaaaagggghhhhh!!!!!

As the week is progressing, he has used every opportunity to dump all the clothes out of his bureau, toss his food and drink around the dining room, and so many other things - too many to list right now.

My daughter is growing up. She no longer does stuff like this. She helps me pick up the messes, bless her heart. But she's doing other stuff. Like whining.

"Puleeeassseee, Moooommmmyyyy. Puh-uh-uh-leeEEEEEEaaase can I (insert any number of requests here)!!!!!!"

I do not back down after I've said no. I'm not strict, but once I say no, I stick to it. I'm not sure why she hasn't picked this up in the past four years. One thing I have to say about my little chica, she's determined.

Sigh.

Ah well, as I always say - it's a good thing they are cute. It really is hard to stay mad at those little faces.

It's Just Me - From A to Z

2006-05-24T11:42:00.000-07:00

I lifted this from Blazing-Firebird!

Accent: Boston
Booze: Merlot
Chore I Hate: Scrubbing floors
Dog or Cat: Neither...allergies
Essential Electronics: Computer, cell phone
Favorite Cologne: Don't have a favorite
Gold or Silver: Both, but not at the same time
Hometown: Somerville, Massachusetts
Insomnia: Rarely
Job Titlle: Stay at home mom, a.k.a Homemaker, a.k.a Unemployed
Kids: Two
Living Arrangements: I live with my husband and two children.
Most Admirable Traits: Dependable, forgiving, tolerant.
Number of Sexual partners: 1
Overnight Hospital Stays: None
Phobias: No full-fledged phobias, but lots and lots of fears.
Quote: I'm stealing Blazing-Firebird's, because it's my favorite too: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
Religion: Catholic
Siblings: 1 brother
Time I Wake Up: Around 6 a.m.
Unusual Talent or Skill: I can wiggle my ears.
Vegetable: I love veggies, so it's easier to list the ones I do not like: okra, cooked carrots, boiled cabbage, and cauliflower.
Worst Habit: Interrupting people. I try real hard not to, but I get so excited sometimes.
X-Rays: Ankle, dental, neck, upper back, and all my female parts.
Yummy Foods I Make: I love to cook, and I make lots of delicious things.
Zodiac Sign: Aries

The Deep

2006-05-23T06:15:00.000-07:00

I dreamt of you
We were sea creatures, you and I

Human head, torso, and arms
Long, strong tails
Glittering gold, blue, and green

We were playing
Chasing after one another
Sunlight glinting off our bodies
Tiny silver fish swimming around us

We darted in and out of coral reefs
Sunken ships and cavernous rock

Hair streaming behind us
Fierce grins on our lips
We were so alive

We had no language
Our bodies were our means of communication
Our minds were powerful and clear

Cruelly and without warning I awoke
Heavy body on my mattress
You snoring beside me

I closed my eyes
Tried to swim back
But I had traveled too far

Beneath the sea

My Little Ballerina

2006-05-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

She did it! My little princess was in her first dance recital! And she was GREAT!!! No, really. I'm not just bragging here. OK, maybe I am, but she was really very good. She had beautiful form, she remembered all of, well, most of her steps. She was so beautiful. I cried like a big fool. I really didn't expect to, but I did. I'm just so proud of her.

Was it her?

2006-05-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

I was in the grocery store today and I saw a girl, around 12 years old, who looked just like my daughter. Actually, she looked just like my daughter's birthmother.

I know that my daughter's biological mother has a sister who would be about 12 years old now. Was it her? If it was, that would mean that the girl was my daughter's bio aunt. Wild.

I just couldn't keep my eyes off her. I think the girl's mother noticed, so I went to a different isle. I probably looked like a stalker. I just couldn't help it though - this girl and her mother could have been connected to my family in a very real way.

The not knowing was the part that weighed on me. I just wish I knew.

Woo-hoo!

2006-05-19T20:32:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out how to blogroll. I'm not sure about the etiquette on this though. If you are not on the list and you want to be included, please let me know. Conversely, if you want to be removed, please let me know as well.

Peace out, peeps!

M is for...

2006-05-18T05:40:00.000-07:00

The talented Naive No More assigned me the letter "M".

Here's how to play: First, either pick a letter of the alphabet or have someone assign a letter to you. Then select 10 words that start with that letter, explaining why each of those words is significant to you. If you would like a letter, just let me know!

Mother - I was thrilled to get this letter because it stands for my most important role ever - mom to two gorgeous, crazy little kids. Also, I am daughter to the best mother in the world.
Massage - The muscles in my back and neck, especially my neck, tend to contract and sometimes spasm very painfully. Massage therapy is one of the things I do on a regular basis to keep those muscles relaxed.
Math - I'm terrible at it. Just awful. I always call myself a math dummy. However, when I taught computer software I always volunteered to teach the spreadsheet courses (Excel and Lotus 1-2-3) just to prove to myself that I could do it if I really tried.
Massachusetts - That's where I was born and raised. I lived there until 8 years ago.
Mantra - As in Oooohhhmmmm. As in my tattoo - the Aum symbol.
Masters - My plan is to start a Master of Education program when my son starts Kindergarten. That's 2 years from now. I'll be 40 years old - with emphasis placed on OLD.
Marriage - I've been with my husband for 20 years, and we've been married for 13 years. Every year I love him a little more, and every year he drives me a little more crazy. C'est la vie. C'est la guerre. C'est l'amour.
Moody - Yes, I admit that I am moody. I can swing from happy to sad or angry to the extreme. But I can be pulled out of a terrible mood fairly easily, and I never hold a grudge.
Macabre - While I'm not a big fan of blood, guts, and gore, I love of spooky books and movies such as The Shining and The Sixth Sense. I love a good ghost, vampire, or ghoul story.

May - This is the month of my husband's birthday. It's the month that my daughter came home for the first time. It's also the month that the weather really starts getting warm - yay!

I Wish

2006-05-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

I wish I was smarter, taller, thinner, prettier, more interesting.

I wish I got my Master's degree before kids so that I wouldn't be starting school again so late in life.

I wish I could be more industrious while my kids are napping. There's so much to do, and I'm making this "I Wish" list.

I wish clicking on the Next Blog link would only bring you to blogs written in languages you can read.

I wish I didn't push away so many friends when I was hurting. Sometimes I really need them back in my life the way they were before.

I wish I could live at least part of the year in a warm climate. Maybe someplace exotic.

I wish I knew the meaning of life. Why I am here? How can I be a better person? What is the purpose of suffering? Is there really a heaven? Why doesn't God talk to us in ways that we can clearly hear?

I wish I could travel more. There's too many places I haven't yet been.

I wish I could be more patient with my kids. And I wish I could forgive myself when I lose my patience with them.

I wish I would always think things through before speaking. Sometimes I say really dumb things.

I wish I could find a way to improve the world. Find a way to help eliminate violence, poverty, intolerance, discrimination, slavery, hunger, disease, and despair.

I wish I could speak Portuguese better. Really, I can hardly speak it at all.

I wish my husband was more communicative. His actions and intentions are always so honorable, but sometimes I just like to hear the words.

I wish nachos weren't so fattening. I could really go for some right now.

Worse Than I Thought

2006-05-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

Oh man. I just came back from attempting errands, and it's pretty bad out there. Although the heavy rain has stopped, a lot of the roads are impassable. Most of the main road in town is closed off. I couldn't go to the ATM or the grocery story like I wanted to. Thank goodness I have enough non-perishable food and beverages in the house to get by for a while. Also, we are able to get on the highway from here, so if we really needed something, we could (at this point) drive to a different town for groceries.

It’s very cold and raw. It’s a little under 50 degrees, but the damp puts a chill in your bones. I put winter coats on my kids to go out, but I had to spend a bit of time arguing with my son over it. He is becoming a creature of habit, and does not like to wear clothing that is different from what he is used to. He got used to wearing his spring jacket, so his winter coat was evil as far as he was concerned.

I'm still worried because the Boston Globe online says "The worst is yet to come." What?! Apparently, the rivers are going to rise in the next couple of days and add to the flooding. Scary.

Oh, and the above picture is from a nearby city.

Rain Rain Go Away

2006-05-15T05:42:00.000-07:00

We haven't had any flooding in our home (although the danger isn't over yet), but we sure can see the effects of this storm. This picture is from our neighboring town.

One of the main roads leading to our street is closed. It's completely covered with water. The farmland on that road is washed out. The schools are closed. And the rain isn't over yet. It's been raining since the middle of last week, and the worst of the forecasts call for continuing rain all week, into next weekend and then into the following week. Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Edited to add: Ok, that last exclamation was a wee bit dramatic.

Tertia

2006-05-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

There are a few blogs I read faithfully. One of them is Tertia's. It's an infertility/life after infertility/motherhood blog. She's always witty, frequently hilarious, and often manages to move me. Check her out if you've got a chance. Her post today on Mother's Day touched me to the core.

My Dear

2006-05-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

My heart yearned for you
And your heart received me

I desired the closeness of your body
And you opened your arms to me

I revealed to you the darkness in my heart
And you let in the sun

I showed you my lunacy
And you calmed me

I feared that you would stop loving me
And you lay those worries to rest

My dear, my husband
You are my champion

Weekend Plans

2006-05-12T05:45:00.000-07:00

Except for all the rain, things are looking good for the weekend. Tomorrow night we are leaving the kids with my parents and going out to dinner with my in-laws. I love each and every one of them. Well, except for my mother-in-law really. Ohhhh. That's so mean to say, but the woman is absolutely impossible....but that's for another post.

On Sunday we are going over to my brother's. He's having his in-laws, us, and my parents over for brunch. It should be a good time too.

Oh, and I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this, but I have the BEST mother on the entire planet. She is my best friend, and she is someone I look up to more than anyone...but that's for another post as well.

I went through many years where Mother's Day was the saddest day of the year for me, but thank God I have two wonderful little humans to be grateful for. Thank you, God. Thank you for these little miracles.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

I Failed the Test

2006-05-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

There are tests that pop up here and there in motherhood. Big tests and little tests. I failed tonight's test: How to Handle Oneself in a Crisis. I failed it miserably.

It wasn't even a crisis. Just a mishap really. I ran outside to get the mail. I came back seconds later to hear screaming downstairs from the little one. The little monkey had climbed the baby gate that blocks the wood burning stove in our family room. He normally lands on his feet (yes, he's done this before), but this time he landed on the side of his head - apparently on the edge of the brick hearth. Ouch!

He was holding his head and yelling, so I ran fast to pick him up. As I lifted him out of the enclosure, I saw bright red stains on his yellow shirt. That's when I started to panic. Then I spotted the crimson spot on the side of his head. That's when I burst into tears. I couldn't stop crying. I just held him and we both cried our eyes out. I silently commanding myself, "Get a hold of yourself! Your son needs to to remain calm! Get a grip!" But I couldn't do it.

Then my son started to get angry with me. I've only cried in front of him once before and he didn't like it at all. He didn't like it this time either. "No, Mama. No!", he told me. I tried hard to stop, but the tears kept flowing.

My daughter ran over with some baby wipes and dried my eyes. My son followed her example, took one of the wipes from her, and continued to dry my tears. He stopped crying then because he was concentrating on his task. Now I was starting to calm. I took another wipe from my daughter's hand and pressed it against my son's wound. The blood was still coming, but he wasn't uncomfortable from the pressure. I began to feel a lot better at this point. It was probably very superficial. I propped him up and turned him to examine the wound. It was very superficial. Oh thank God!

I took the blanket off the sofa and wrapped him in it. He was enjoying being cuddled and lay very still for me. My husband came home a few minutes later and examined the wound. He said the baby was fine. How was I doing? I was OK. A few more tears spilled over, but I was fine now. My husband helped me clean the blood from the carpet, then he bathed the kids. My son enjoyed some more cuddles and hugs before he went off to bed.

Oh, motherhood is HARD. And it was such a little test too.

Really, He's Not

2006-05-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

He was the cool kid in our high school crowd as far as I was concerned. He was so different from all the other boys. We embraced him and enclosed him in our circle of friends.

As it turned out, everyone pretty much thought they had him figured out. He was exceedingly stylish. He had a bit of a sway in his walk. He wasn't interested in or good at sports. He hung out with girls. The gay guy is how people saw him. I was surprised when I found out how others perceived him. He wasn't gay. Really, he wasn't.

A few years later, some time after college, he finally pulled away from us, eager to break his image and start anew. He found a new group of friends, a crowd with a bit more testosterone. A group of guys with whom to watch the game, clap on the back, and down some beers. He stopped returning our phone calls, he changed quite a bit in appearance in demeanor. People no longer saw him as the gay guy.

Somehow, somewhere some evidence of the past cropped up. A video, a musical actually, a class play. Somehow, somewhere the video was distributed and viewed by his new group of friends, his coworkers, people who didn't know the old him.

He's mortified, he's scared, his world is shaken. People are laughing. I tell him that they will forget, they will see him as who he is now. He tells me that he's worked hard to change and now it's all been undone. He's not gay, really he's not. Really, he's not.

Obsessions

2006-05-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mother, your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. Come on, Dick, we're leaving".

Misery Hates Company

2006-05-07T16:22:00.000-07:00

I hate the world today. That is, on this particular day I hate the world. An unfortunate combination of hormones, severe seasonal allergies, and medication's side effects has made me a surly girl.

I am taking all weapons from misery's arsenal. I am examining wrongs under new light and allowing every bad feeling to soak into me. I swallow it and find it unappetizing, hard to digest, spoiled after all these years of storage.

I wish to find a small, dark space and bury myself inside of it. I want to shut out all the lights, the noise, the demands. I 'd be happy to shrink into a catatonic ease. Hide until the world goes away.

Aha! I Knew It!

2006-05-05T03:51:00.000-07:00

This article claims that: "As waistlines grow, women's clothing sizes shrink incredibly".

0 is the New 8

1985 Revisited

2006-05-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

This picture had me cracking up. A friend just posted it on our reunion web site. It was taken at my junior prom. I am the one in the middle.

Just look at those frills, the makeup, the hair falling in front of the face - it's just so delightfully 80s.

Day by Day

2006-05-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

My children always each pick a storybook for me to read to them at bedtime. Tonight my daughter selected a children's prayer book.

When I turned to the page with the following prayer, I found myself singing it instead of saying it. I remembered the tune from the folk masses we used to go to when I was a kid. Also, I think it was a popular song during the '70s.

They are such beautiful words, set to such a beautiful tune. I just had to share.

Day by day, dear Lord,

Of Thee Three things I pray;

To see Thee more clearly,

To love Thee more dearly,

To follow Thee more nearly,

Day by day.

St. Richard of Chichester (1197 - 1253)

Conformity

2006-05-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of one of those situations where I must either go against what I believe or conform to what all the others are doing. It's one of those situations where in the long run it won't make a bit of difference. It's such a little thing really. But is it? I guess that's what I've got to decide.

Here's the situation: My daughter, who just turned 4 years old, will be in her very first dance recital. There are several guidelines that she follow in order to be in the recital, including the color of her shoes, the costume that she must wear, the style of her hair, and the makeup on her face. Yes, the makeup on her face.

I've been to many recitals over the years. Not in them, but to them. And one thing that I've seen is that they all wear the same style makeup - blue eyeshadow, red lips, and rouge. Even the preschoolers wear this style of makeup. The handout that I received from the dance school was pretty clear about it too. Gah.

My gut instinct is not to put the makeup on her. I'm sure it's not a big deal if I do, and I'm equally sure that it's not a big deal if I she goes bare faced. But I will know. And I know that this is the start of many, many decisions I will have to make for and with my children. Do I go with the flow, or do I march to my own drummer?

Again, not a big deal ultimately, but a decision to be made nonetheless.

Saturday Night

2006-05-01T05:34:00.000-07:00

We are in the middle of planning our 20 year high school reunion, and, gregarious bunch that we are, couldn't just leave it at one reunion event.

On Saturday we had our second pre-reunion get together. Almost all who attended are people who I have seen since graduation, a few are people I see quite often, but there were a couple of faces that I haven't seen since 1986.

We met at a poolhall in Cambridge, but we never ended up playing pool at all. We just drank, and laughed, and drank a little bit more - definitely too much alcohol was consumed. I think I'm still recovering.

As we were leaving, people kept hugging me and thanking me for getting everyone reconnected. I kept saying, "No, it wasn't me! It was Jen who got the whole thing started." But they kept thanking me anyway. And it's true - Jen did get the planning started and is very active with both our reunion web site and the planning of the reunion event itself. But I'm the one who tracked people down, and I guess that's what they mean.

The above is a picture from Saturday. I'm the second person in from the left - the shortest person there. Even the people crouching down are taller than me. It always surprises me to see how short I am in pictures.

Weird Dream

2006-04-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

I had a bizarre dream last night. We were staying on the island of Nantucket for the summer, and the first part of the dream was pretty spectacular. OK, so that part was pretty great. The cottage we were renting was right on the water, and it was just gorgeous.

At some point in the dream I started having trouble with my eyes. It all started when I was in a house that was being cleaned by some government people wearing Haz Mat suits. I touched a surface that had been sprayed, then touched my eye. Smart, eh? Within seconds my eye started burning, then within hours my eye became red and teary, and the lids started drooping away from the socket.

To make matters worse, I started having trouble with the other eye. People began to avoid looking at me in the face. I knew I looked pretty awful, but I didn't know how bad it was until I looked in the mirror. My other eye had sunken right into the socket. All you could see was pink flesh and just a dot of the white remained. So one eye was a gaping eye socket hole, the other eye was red with the lids completely loosened from my face.

Typing this, I can see now how horribly gross that was. In the dream I wasn't too bothered by it. I was mainly concerned about my poor vision and the fact that people were avoiding me.

Before I awoke, during that period where I was half awake and half asleep, I was trying to figure out a way to properly flush out the eye with chemicals in it and suction out the eye that was sunken into my skull. I knew there was a solution, if I could only figure it out.

So what the heck was I trying to tell myself in this dream?

Hubba Hubba

2006-04-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

This picture of George and Barack kind of did something for me.

Terrible Twos

2006-04-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been extra challenging. My son has taken the terrible twos to an entirely new level.

Although he's very high energy, he's the kind of child who likes to be held often throught the day. He likes to keep me in sight. He's wary of strangers and new situations. He likes the comfort of being in familiar territory. So different from his fearless, independent sister.

The problem is that there is that part of him that's growing up and wanting to step out into the world - to test boundaries and explore the unknown.

He is a very frustrated little boy at the moment because he's realizing that you can't gain any independence by being held and clinging to mama's skirts. And my little boy is taking out his frustrations in a very loud way. He's yelling, he's upset, he's throwing tantrums. It's fraying at my nerves to say the least.

Yet at a moment's notice, he can be the sweetest little thing. He tears up every time the Chicken Little (the Disney movie) become sad. He gives me hugs and kisses completely out of the blue. He tries to make me laugh when I'm upset with him. So different from my daughter.

I just love that little guy. But he's driving me nuts.

Worries and Woes

2006-04-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

So I'm walking down the street and I fall into a pothole.
The hole is filled with chunks
Chunks of worries and woes.
I want to get out and cover this hole back up, but hoisting myself out is a bit of a problem.
I start to drown in these chunks.

I call for help. HHHEEELLLLPPPP!!!
Someone hears me, helps me out, brushes me off.
Then they go about their merry way.
I look around for something to cover the hole, something to bury these worries and woes.

Then it starts to rain.
It rains and rains and rains.
I'm wet and cold, and I start to run.

As I run from this pothole I start to feel better.
I start to dance and jump in the puddles.
I smile and I laugh and I sing.

Then I look back.
I see that the worries and woes are scattering up and out of the pothole, blowing in the wind.
I run to try and retrieve them.
I need these worries and woes to be kept inside.
I need to control them, to keep track of them, to to pray on them at night.

It's no use. They are mere bits in the breeze.
I let go of them - for now.

Books I'm Reading

2006-04-23T10:59:00.001-07:00

I just finished reading Peace Like a River by Leif Enger. It is the best modern fiction I have read in years. It's set in the 1960s in the Midwest, and the main characters center around a very faithful Christian family. The book is about miracles in the midst of tragedy. At the same time there are some light and funny moments that had me laughing out loud.

I have to admit that it took me until about 75 pages in before I really got into the story, but I stuck with it because of the because of how well written it was and how likeable the characters were. Once I got into it, I just couldn't put it down. I usually give my books away once I've read them, but I'm keeping this one to read again.

I've also been reading Boundless Healing by Tulku Thondup. I'm about half way through. It's written by a Buddhist monk, and it's purpose is to teach you to clear the mind of worries and clutter and to bring the mind to a more tranquil state. The premise is that if the mind is at peace and is able to focus on calming the body from within, we can become healthier, or at least be able to deal with pain and infirmities better. It's a very interesting book, and I'm getting a lot out of it.

I did it!

2006-04-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally worked up the nerve to get the tattoo. I've wanted one forever, but only decided on an image a few weeks ago - the Aum symbol. Since my mother took the kids for the day, I called a friend of a friend, someone who has been in business in my town for 28 years, to do the job. I got the tattoo on my lower back, just below my waist line.

The tattoo artist had no idea what the symbol meant. Neither did the postman who decided to stick around and chat it up with us the entire time.

I gave them the short answer. It went like this:

Me: It's an Om (Aum) symbol.
Them: Om?
Me: You know when people meditate and they say Oooohhhmmm?
Them: Yaaaaa?
Me: That's the symbol for it.
Them: (weirded out silence)
Me: It's the Hindu symbol for God.
Them: Ohhh!! OK!! That's cool!

A longer answer can be found here .

To me, this symbol represents God. I feel that because most religions pray to their Creator, even though they may have different names for Him, we are all really praying to the same Deity. Because of this, the Aum symbol to me not only represents God, it represents how we as people are all interconnected through God.

The other meaning of the Aum symbol for me has to do with a mind/body connection. This symbol is displayed in any yoga class you go to. Yoga has been the one thing that has kept my body working and strong. I got a lemon of a spine, and it takes a lot of work (mental and physical, hence the mind/body connection) to keep my muscles to the point that they are not in spasm mode. I kind of feel that the tattoo is a reminder to me to keep myself as healthy as possible.

So...that's what I did today. Yay!

What I Believe

2006-04-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Clew asked her readers about their religious and/or moral frame of ethics. I thought it was a great topic. Here is my response:

Growing up I was taught that being a good Catholic would bring you closer to God. Praying (and a slew of other practices and rituals) would cleanse your soul and help to be pure in your actions and in your spirit. And of course the end result was a reward in heaven. Well, I still believe in the heavenly reward, but along the way I had some serious doubts about the way (for me) to get there. It took a long time to sort out being a Catholic with what my mind/heart/soul was telling me what a person a faith meant for me personally.

Problem was that I never really believed in many of the Catholic practices and rituals. I believed in God, Jesus, and even the Holy Spirit, but not necessarily in the Church and all those seemingly man-made practices.

There is a part of the Mass where we say, "Judge us not on our sins but on the faith of your Church." Well, this was a big problem for me when I was a kid. I was a good girl, always did what I was supposed to, but I never believed in what I was supposed to. This was driving me away from God. And I did not like that feeling at all. I wanted to be close to God and to remain by His side.

For example, as a little kid, I would look at the story of Noah and the Arc and think, "how did he get all those animals on one boat?" But the harder (much harder) question for me was, "Why did God save that one family and kill all the rest? What kind of God would kill His children because they did not listen to Him?" This was tough for me to swallow. It was hard for me to love God faced with that kind of a story and lesson.

And how about the story of Adam and Eve? Why would God throw his children out of paradise for wanting knowledge? Isn't knowledge what we all strive for? Isn't it human nature? Is human nature so evil? And if so, shouldn't we loathe ourselved for it? Well, growing up Catholic, I was taught in no uncertain terms that a certain amount of self-loathing is definitely something to strive for. Anything Earthly is considered a bad thing. But God created Earth. And Humankind. Why would he create something to be loathed?

I had these internal struggles until I went to high school (Catholic) and luckily had a religion teacher that taught me that I can have a different way of thinking and still be a person of faith. She taught us how to identify spiritual truths in scripture, and I am 100% certain that this is the one thing that has kept me close to God. I guess there are some, or many, that would say that she taught incorrectly. Maybe they would even call her sinful for her teachings, but I'm here to say that I am certain that I would have lost my faith by now if it were not for her.

Here is what my religion teacher taught us - the Bible stories were created in a time when people were illiterate. Because people did not have reading skills and/or access to books to teach them about religion and other things, people relied on stories, proverbs, and songs to teach their messages. It is possible that these stories are 100% factually true. It's also possible some events, people, and dialogs were a design to illustrate a series of truths.

The point is, don't get caught up in details when there is so much rich, beautiful spiritual truth to be found in the Bible's Creation story and so many other stories in the Bible. Really, this makes so much sense to me, and has caused me to stay close to the Church and my faith. It allows me to forgive myself for doubts and enjoy a closer relationship with God without all the guilt. Because guilt can be a killer.

I believe that God will love me unconditionally. Even if I eat meat during Lent on Fridays. Even if I use the name of the Lord in vain. Even if I murder or steal. Yes, even that.

I believe that God expects us to draw on our own strength and wisdom when times get tough. I do believe in prayer, but I also believe in relying on our own resources and strengths at bad times of our lives. Knowing and believing that there is a God in heaven (as well as on Earth and in our hearts) that loves us unconditionally, for me, makes things easier in difficult times. I do not rely on God to pull me out of bad situations. That is up to me. And what I do with those bad experiences to make me a better person in the long run is up to me as well.

I still consider myself a Catholic. It's all tied up with certain truths about myself that I can never deny. I go to Church when I can, but I no longer feel guilty when I don't go. I am raising my children in the Church and talk to them about God and Jesus. I try to be a good person and help people who are in need. I try my hardest not to hurt anybody (whether they are "good" or "bad") in any way. I pray whenever I feel the urge, but not to ask for what I want. Instead, I try to keep my prayers about giving thanks.

I believe that God wants us to learn from life's trials and tribulations, to enjoy peace and happiness when it comes to us, to grow and learn as people, and to become closer to Him in the process. If I stray from the Church, if I become angry with Him, God will still love me. I believe that.

Uneasy

2006-04-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

For the past few mornings I have woken with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. As I slowly become aware of the world, I try to remember what has happened. What terrible event has caused me to feel this way? Then I realize that it's nothing. I mean, everything is OK in my life. Some things are even better than OK. But I still have that feeling that doom is looming over my head, and I don't know why.

Well, that's not entirely the truth. It took a few days, but after a thorough mental search (boy, is it messy in there!), I realize that I do know why. I hate the reason. It's foolish and unnecessary, too ridiculous even to give words to in this blog.

But I can't shake it. I'm stupidly hoping that just typing this will send these feeling from my mind, to my fingers and this keyboard, out into the blogosphere, where they will disintegrate into nothingness. Is that the way it works? Ya, I didn't think so either.

Are they psychic?

2006-04-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

I 've read on other people's blogs how they can tell how many people are visiting their blog on a given day. They also seem to know where these readers are from and how often they visit.

How do these bloggers know this type of stuff? Is there a setting on Blogger that one can change to be able to view this information? And furthermore, is it worth it to be able to know? Does it drive a person batty after a while? Does it put the pressure on? Does one become overly conscious of who is reading and who stopped reading?

I'm so curious.

This, during Holy Week?

2006-04-12T04:52:00.000-07:00

Read this article today and became very irritated. It's about the Catholic Church's refusal to subsitute the communion wafer and wine for those people who have medical conditions that preclude them from taking this particular form of the body and blood of Christ. Here is an excerpt from the article:

In New Jersey, a bishop declared invalid the First Communion of a girl with celiac disease who took rice wafers instead of those containing gluten. Her mother unsuccessfully petitioned the Vatican to reverse the decision.

Celiac disease is a genetic disease where ingesting gluten damages the small intestine, impairing the ability to absorb nutrients from food. If the disease goes untreated, it can cause other conditions, including anemia and osteoporosis.

I can't even talk about it right now in any kind of coherent manner because I find it so ridiculous. Come on guys, think about it. What would Jesus do?

Will the Pendulum Swing...

2006-04-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

..back to the left? I wonder. Though I no longer live in Massachusetts, I was involved in state government and still loosely follow the goings on in the state.

The current governor is an extremely conservative Republican. The minute he came into office everything changed for the poor in Massachusetts. Even basic services for emergency aid (You know, like your house catches on fire and you need temporary food and shelter...that sort of thing.) were pretty much cut out. Made me so very angry.

But this guy looks very promising to me. I'll definitely be looking at the next race closely. Too bad I can't vote in Massachusetts.

Meme

2006-04-10T05:08:00.000-07:00

I lifted this meme from Clew.

1. Who was your first Prom date? I borrowed my friend's boyfriend for my junior prom because I didn't have a date. My friend actually insisted on this, and her boyfriend really wanted to go to (he had several friends at my school), so I went along with it. We ended up having a great time.

2. Who was your first roommate(s)? I never had a roomate. I lived with my parents until I got married.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? Beer. I chugged it because I couldn't stand the taste but wanted the buzz. Well, needless to say, I got a little more than a buzz. What a mess. My friends literally had to carry me home. I still can't stand the stuff.

4. What was your first job? I worked at the church rectory - that's where the priests live. I answered telephone calls, helped the cook, and watched a lot of MTV and wrestling on TV. The priests just shook their heads whenever they passed by.

5. What was your first car? A 1978 Plymouth Valiant. My cousin passed it down to me because it she thought it was so uncool and convinced her dad to get her a Caddie, but I loved it.
6. When did you go to your first funeral? I was 16 when the first of my grandparents passed away. That was my first funeral.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your home town? 30

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Miss Sullivan. I remember that she was really nice and really stylish. It was in the 1970s, and she had the trendy flipped up hairdo just like a young Mary Tyler Moore.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Canada. I was 5 years old.

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I never snuck out of my house. But there was the time that I stayed at my cousin's house and snuck out of her house with her to go to a party. She was a wild one. We had a blast.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Her name was Christine. We became best friends in the 3rd grade, lost touch in the 5th grade because I went to a different school, then became best friends again in the 9th grade when we ended up at the same school again. We stayed close up until the end of high school. We drifted apart then stopped speaking over a stupid argument shortly after college. I haven't seen her in years.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? When I got married, we rented a crappy little apartment for about a year. Then my parents put their house on the market, and my husband and I bought it. We lived in that house for a few years before selling and moving the the same town as my parents.

13. Who is the first person you call if you have a bad day? My mother or my husband - whoever is available at the moment.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsmen? My cousin. That was in 1987.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Groan. OK, that sounded dirty, but it's just the pain of having to get up at an ungodly hour.

16. What is the first concert you ever went to? Rick Springfield. How embarrassing! I think I was in middle school at the time.

17. First tattoo or piercing? Pierced ears at 5 years old. I plan on getting my first tattoo soon.

18. First Celebrity crush? Andy Gibb. Sigh. I still remember all the words to one of his songs. "Love is higher than a mountain. Love is thicker than water. You are this dreamers only dream. Heaven's angel, devil's daughter."

19. Age of first kiss? I had just turned 17. Before that a few boys puckered up and tried to come in for the kill, but I had pretty quick reflexes.

20. First crush? 8th grade. My best friend and I both liked the same boy. We would call him on the phone and try to disguise our voices, but I'm sure he knew it was us. He was such a nice guy. Still is.

21. First time you did drugs? I was 16 I think. I smoked pot sometimes in high school, but I was no longer interested by the time I started college.

My Heart Is Full

2006-04-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

It is a few hours after my daughter's 4th birthday party. We had close friends and family over, lots of food and laughter. There was an incredible amount of kids and dirt, cake and fingerprints, spills and messes. Funny how an obsessive clean freak like myself can become almost comfortable with such messes and disarray.

My daughter had such a good time. She is the consumate party girl. She loves all the attention, the gifts, the noise, and the activity. So opposite of me. So different. Yet I get such a thrill just from the sheer fact that she is getting so much joy out of it.

At this moment I am filled with thanks. Thank you, God. Thank you for this family, for these beautiful children.

P.S. A little something that happened today...my eccentric and very generous brother in law bought two bottles of very expensive champagne for the party. Well, he poured me a glass while I was cutting the cake. In the midst of scooping, cutting, and doling out the cake and ice cream, my friend's 4 year old daughter exclaimed, "Ew, I don't like this!" I looked down and she was holding my glass of champagne. I looked at her parents and could only say, "I'm so sorry!" This little girl not only had her first sip of alcohol at the tender age of 4, she had it from a $300 bottle! I think she might be a diva in the making. We'll see...

Happy Birthday, Dear Daughter

2006-04-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

My daughter is turning 4 next week. Her party is this weekend, and she is out of her mind excited about it. Can't believe how fast the time has gone.

We're having approximately 30 people over on Sunday. Temps will only be in the mid to high 50s, but for around here, that's practically summer. People will most likely be going out into the yard to let all the kiddos run around.

Menu is as follows: baked ziti, mac and cheese for the kids, ham, chili, and green salad. For appetizers: chips and dip, veggies and dip, hummus and toasted pita wedges, and a warm mexican bean/cheese layered dip. For dessert, of course there will be the (Barbie Fairytopia) cake and ice cream, plus a fruit salad.

I'm very excited for my baby. Can't believe she's going to be four.

2006-04-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

If I think about you
will you know it?

If I call out to you
will you hear it?

If I yearn for you
will you come to my side?

If I need to be comforted
will you hold me?

Class Reunion

2006-04-04T05:09:00.000-07:00

So we're planning our 20-year high school reunion. I'm the person who is in charge of finding missing classmates. Out of a class of 69, I've found all but 7 people so far. It's been wild catching up with people.

Here's how things have unraveled so far:

Three live out of state - all in California.
One recently moved back from California.
One is a Hollywood screenwriter.
One passed away.
One is dying.
One is in prison, serving 10 to life.
One is mentally ill.
Several are not speaking to each other.
One is in remission from cancer.
Most of us who have children have preschoolers, some even have infants (funny how a lot of us started so late).
A good many are single with no children.
Several of us are still with our high school or college sweethearts.
We've already had pre-reunion get togethers with more planned.
Several of us a chatting daily online.
Three people told me how much they needed this in their lives right now and how it's saved them from a bit of depression and lonliness. And I know where they are coming from.
One of my good friends is not happy about reconnecting with other classmates. He may not go to the reunion at all.

My Shell

2006-03-31T06:12:00.000-08:00

I feel like a baby chick
about to hatch out of its shell

I've never seen the yellow rays of the sun
or felt the cold rain on my little feathers

The shell has protected my life so far
but it has kept me from living it

I love this shell
I'm scared to come out

Joke of the Day*

2006-03-29T09:33:00.000-08:00

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. "She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

*The title of this post suggests that there will be jokes every day. Well, I lied. Now try to go on with your day as best you can.

I need a day off

2006-03-29T05:28:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids more than anything in the world, but sometimes a mother just needs a break.

I've been bugging (nagging possibly?) the hubby for a day off for over a year now. He just doesn't get it. I understand that he works hard too and his day doesn't end when he comes home. He and I clean up after supper together, give the kids baths, and put them to bed. He says who is going to give him his day off? I'm certainly not stopping him.

I've worked the full-time job, plus a part-time thing too and I'll tell ya, there is a lot of difference between putting up with the office job routine and dealing with the demands of needy children. Again, not to say I don't love my kids. I adore them. They're are the cutest, smartest, most enjoyable kids I have ever met. In my life. If I do say so myself.

But I need a day off.

Here's what I would do if I had the day to myself:

I would get up early and drive to Wellington train station in Medford. I would then take the orange line to Boston. I'd get off at Downtown Crossing (or is State Street station closer?) and walk up to Borders book store. They open early.

I'd spend a ridiculous amount of time looking at novels, self-help books, magazines, cookbooks, and fitness books. I'd drape myself over chairs, sit on the floor with books littered around me, and find corners to hide myself to read the good parts. I'd then buy one or two books.

I'd take my books and walk down to Fanueil Hall. There I'd do some shopping, bench sitting, people watching, coffe sipping, and some more book reading. Maybe I'd stroll over to the waterfront and watch the boats go sailing by. Sit down on the grass at Columbus Park and read some more.

Then it would be visiting time. I'd pop over to where I used to work and say hi to all my peeps there. They ask me to lunch, and as much as I'd like to, I've got plans with me, myself, and I. Besides, I'd much rather meet them after work for martinis. I'll leave my shopping bags there so I won't have to lug them around for the rest of the day.

Then I'd walk down a few doors to Pho Pasteur, my favorite Vietnamese restaurant in Chinatown. I'd order my favorite dish, rice noodles with vegetables and chicken, and carry it over to Boston Public Gardens, where I'd eat my lunch on a bench near the duck pond.

Once I finish lunch I'll read my book for a while, then take a walk over to Newbury Street. I'd have already made an appointment to have my fingernails and toenails done. Pretty. Once done, I'd do some window shopping until it was quitting time at the old workplace.

Me and my peeps would stop off for a martini or two. OK, maybe not two. Can't handle two anymore. Wuss.

And that would be my day.

I might be chickening out

2006-03-28T15:03:00.000-08:00

Gah! I'm getting nervous about the tattoo. It's just so goddamn permanent. I really, really want it, but I'm scared that I'll regret it in the future. I'm such a wuss.

"Oooooohhhhhmmmmmm...."

2006-03-26T15:50:00.000-08:00

So I had the coolest dream ever last night. It was a great dream to start - a glorious day on a sundrenched tropical beach. But the way the dream ended was the important part.

I woke up with an image of me running into the sea, and I had a tattoo on my back, in the area between my shoulder blades. The tattoo was the image of a gold-toned Aum. This symbol is important to me for more reasons than one, but I'll save that for another post.

I woke up with my heart beating fast. I looked at the clock and saw that it was only 5:30 a.m. Early, but I had to share my excitement with someone. I poked dear husband in the side and loudly whispered, "I'm getting a tattoo!!" He said, "Oh, God!", rolled over, and went back to sleep. He hates tattoos, but I've been wanting one since college (late 80s). I haven't gotten one in all this time because I never had a clear idea of what kind of tattoo to get and where to put it. It had to have significance.

Best friend is accompanying me on Saturday when the deed will be done. I'm so damn excited.

Families say the darndest things

2006-03-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

After I lost 40 pounds, my uncle and his new thin wife had the following discussion with me about my weight and my marriage of 10+ years:

Them: Your husband must really love you.
Me: Yes, I know he does. I really love him too. We are very lucky to have each other.
Them: Yes, but he must really love you.
Me: Why do you say that?
Them: Because when you were fat he stayed with you.
Me: (stunned silence)
My mother: No, she was never fat!
Them: Oh YES, she was really fat.
Me: (mouth open in complete disbelief)

What I wanted to say is this: You two are made for each other. You judge people based on what they weigh, what kind of clothes they wear, and how much money they make. Each of you left your first spouse (wonderful people, by the way) because they did not meet your shallow expectations. You shattered your families based on superficial judgments. I hope you both stay thin, rich, and hollow because the other one would leave you in a heartbeat. That is NOT love and that is NOT very nice.

But I didn't say anything. I just smiled stupidly and wandered away.

I'm not so good with commitment

2006-03-21T09:31:00.000-08:00

It's true. I'm in my late 30s, and I've never held a job for more than 5 years (in my defense, I've left my jobs for "better" jobs and I've been promoted many times). I seem to shy away from friends when relationships start getting strong. I become involved with groups, both online and in real life, then leave if I start getting uncomfortable because too much has been shared. I really don't like this about myself, but the bonus is that I stay within my comfort zone. I always feel a great sense of relief when I've broken things off.

Oh, that just looks so awful and cold in writing. And I don't consider myself to be an awful or cold person in the least. Hmmm. Wonder what that means...?

On the other hand, I've been with the same guy forever, and we've been married for almost as long. I really can't see divorce as something that would ever happen to us. At least, I hope it would never happen to us. We go through tough times here and there, but we stick together and really do love each other. Now that we have kids (another part of my life that I absolutely cherish), the incentive to stay together has increased tenfold. Plus, we make each other laugh.

So, I resolve to you, dear blog, to stick with you when I have the words to express what I want to say and even when I don't. I'm staying put....

I hope.

Conversations with God

2006-03-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

I'm nearly finished with a book called Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. It is about a man who claims to have transcribed actual conversations with God through his writing. It answers many questions such as why is the world in such a sorry state, why many relationships fail, whether there is a heaven and a hell, and if there is such thing as reincarnation. Absolutely fascinating.

There are 900+ reviews on Amazon.com from people who have read this book. I didn't read all 980 reviews, but I did skim through nearly the whole list and read many of them.

I noticed that fundamentalist Christians (or rather, those people who I assumed to be fundamentalist Christians based on what they wrote) gave one star reviews - the very worst you can give. They called the book blasphemous and dangerous.

Many people who didn't seem to be very strict in their religion, but did not believe that the words came directly from God gave it a 4 star rating. They thought it was a very well written book but quite likely a sham.

There were others who gave the book a 5 star rating - the very best you can give. I was one of them. In a future post I will describe why I loved this book so much and why it's made such an impact on me. I'm having trouble putting it into words at the moment. I've made several attempts, but I have deleted them all because my words weren't good enough...

....which incidentally is one of the reasons I deleted my last blog. I am very self-critical. It's something I really need to work on. I need to write what I feel then just let it exist, just as if I had spoken aloud the words.

We'll see how this goes.