Fine Art

The kids spent a good part of the morning painting with water colors. What a mess, but they sure had fun. By the end, they had created pages and pages of beautiful swirls and swooshes, and they also looked like Goldie Hawn on Laugh-In. Now that's body art.

On another note, I have two parties to go to this weekend - one is dressy and one is casual. I used some glue-on nails to see how it would look. Classy, no? Uh...I think no is probably the right answer. What do you think? Should I leave them on or take them off?

Oh, and that's a bandaid I've got on my thumb to cover up the small knife wound incurred as a result of unloading of the dishwasher. My life is just so very glamorous.

Body and Mind

It's popular belief that positive thinking is a huge factor in preventing illness and recovering from illness. Think happy, cheery thoughts, smile, invite others to share positive vibes, and actually will the sickness from your body. If you do not recover, it's probably because your thoughts just were not sunny enough. Seems like a lot of pressure to me. Plus, I kind of disagree. Though I'm not sure that positive thought is necessary in curing illness, I am however a believer in thought affecting illness.

The idea that we can decide to get better or not was impressed upon me after seeing several of my family members go through major battles with cancer. The ones that really stick out in my mind are my paternal grandfather, my maternal grandmother, and one of my cousins. Unfortunately, there has been more illness in my family than that, but those are the ones I was/am closest to.

My paternal grandfather almost fully recovered from a stroke (of which the doctors said he would never bounce back), then later beat cancer in his late 80s. He was a stubborn old guy (no disrespect here - I am really very proud of him) who did not want to die. He was 96 years old when he finally, very reluctantly, slipped away. Before that time, he was by no means a positive, sunny soul. He was a "glass half-empty" kind of person. However, he knew with all his being that he didn't want to die. I believe that determination easily added an extra 15 years onto his life.

I saw my maternal grandmother get sick and pass on in just a matter of months. She was ready to go to the next life, and she died much sooner than expected. She didn't want to be a burden. I still cry when I think of her. I wish I had more time with her. She was only 72 when she very serenely passed. She knew that she did not want to hang on - and she didn't.

Then my cousin, who is about 10 years older than me, was diagnosed and eventually recovered from an advanced form of Multiple Myeloma cancer. It was around that time I really began think about whether or not positive thinking was truly necessary in order to beat an illness.

My cousin has a very confident, energetic, assertive personality. She doesn't sit still for a second. She's always got plans and ambitions, and she most often gets what she wants. When she got sick, she was pissed off. Big time. She wasn't depressed, but she was really put out by this illness. It was slowing her down, and she was angry. I worried. She already had a very advanced, aggressive sort of cancer. How in the world is she going to recover with that frame of mind?

The wonderful news here is that she did recover. She's been in remission for years now. She has some painful and debilitating bone degeneration from the disease and the chemo, but she is still traveling and still LIVING. My cousin never for a minute expected to die from her disease. I guess if she had felt defeated, she very likely would have been defeated. Even if she didn't have positive thinking, she did have a very strong will to live.

I wondered about the positive thinking theory and how it fit (or rather, didn't fit) with my family's experiences. Were they anomalies? With any situation, there is bound to be the stray story or two that doesn't fit into the norm. Was that the case here?

Then I saw an program on TV about a study that was done on frame of mind and how it affects illness. In this study, they found that focus and determination was the key. Positive thinking is good, but being angry can be even better. People who saw their illness as an enemy and focused that energy actually recovered at a better rate than people who did not have that fire in their belly.

I think that this is important for people to know who are going through an illness. If they are told to "think positive", and fail to muster up that emotion, that person would likely believe that they were responsible for their disease and its progression - that it is their fault if they die. Isn't this a form of blaming the victim? I believe that thoughts are very powerful. It's not necessary that they be green grassy, happy thoughts. They just have to be thoughts of conviction and strength.

Anyway, this is on my mind because I have two people in my life at the moment (both very young) that are battling with cancer. They are both of the mindset that THEY BELIEVE they will beat it, and they only want to be surrounded by people who believe the same thing. This doesn't mean that they have to be cheerful all the time. They are going through some rough medical treatments, they feel awful, and they are not exactly having the time of their lives. But they are focused on the will to live.

When I was going through all those years of infertility, then the early stages of adoption, people always managed to say things that, instead of being helpful as they intended, stung a bit. I don't want to do that to those people in my life going through so much more than I ever went through. I need to think before I speak, say things that won't just serve to make myself feel better, and really support them in their struggle.

Ogunquit, Maine

Today we went on a day trip today to the Maine seacoast. We were accompanied by my cousin and her family, my parents, and my nephews.

Well over half of our party today ranged in age from 2 years old to 10 years old. As my cousin's husband remarked, "It was like herding cats."

We took a long, leisurely walk along the beach, the rocky cliffside paths, and the docks. It was one of those perfect days - that is if you like overcast, low 70s, and slightly humid. To me anyway, it was perfect.

Of all the people in our crowd, it was my son that was the most awed and the most appreciative of the gorgeous sights. My mother and I marveled at his ability to appreciate nature's beauty. He was the youngest in our group, yet he was the most aware of his surroundings. He is in love with the sea.

He didn't want to leave, but I promised him that we will be back next week. And we will. We'll go back, as we do every year, for the 4th of July. I can't wait.

Scotty, beam me up

I love Yoga. Love it. I've been practicing on a regular basis for about 6 or 7 years now, and I learn something new every time I go to a class or I use a new DVD.

Yoga keeps my muscles toned and flexible, and it clears my head. Most importantly, it puts me in touch with what is happening with my body - it shows me where all the negative tension is stored, and it gives me a way to eradicate it.

I have gone into yoga classes in the most foul of moods, and have exited serene, yet strong, both mentally and physically. Also, I've got some bad spinal discs, so yoga has become responsible for keeping my aches and pains under control and keeping my body fit (well, not totally fit, but better than it would be without any exercise at all).

So anyway, I start going to a new yoga studio that's a bit...odd. I should have seen the warning signs right of the bat, but sometimes I am quite dense. It takes me a while to figure things out.

The first tip-off is that the woman who owns the studio goes by the title "Yogini". She is Yogini Dolly*. That's how she refers to herself, and that's how she is addressed. All of the yoga teachers who work for her go by the Yogini title as well.

Now, I know this is a valid title. These teachers are great at what they do, and they have gone through all the study and practice to become certified in their field. But no other yoga teachers I know have used their title. It sounds just a little pretentious to me, but honestly, I really don't judge it at first. Who knows? Maybe I would do the same thing in their postion, though I kind of doubt it. Whatever.

The second tip off is that students participating in the classes must wear all white clothing. No color at all - pure white. When I tell my husband this, he asks, "What is this, a cult!?" "No!", I exclaim emphatically. I maintain that the studio is just really into background and beliefs that go into the particular style of yoga they practice, and I explain the theory behind wearing white. I have no problems with it at this point, other than the fact that I have to go out and find white yoga pants. Lovely. I love showing my ample derriere in the most unflattering way imaginable.

The third warning sign has to do with chanting. The chanting is about living peacefully with ourselves, others, and the world around us. It has to do with praising the creator of the universe. I'm OK with this. I choose not to join in, not only because I don't know the words, but because that's simply not me. I'm not uncomfortable hearing it, in fact I rather enjoy it, but I would be very uncomfortable participating. However, I do start to feel uneasy when the teacher keeps handing me printouts of the chants and nudges me to join. Uhhh....no. I don't think so.

Still, at this point I'm fine with the weirdness. The classes themselves are very good, and like I said, I really enjoy yoga.

The fourth and final warning sign, the thing that has really got me thinking, maybe this studio is not for me, is the music they play during the final resting portion of the practice. It goes something like this: Hari Krishna, Hari Krishna, Hari Krishna.

I am so out of there.

*Name changed to protect the Yogini

Quote of the Day

"You know you are the mother of a toddler when your child gets stuck behind the bed and you hesitate before going to free him."

The Test

I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning and it came out negative. I was pretty shocked, considering how my body has been screaming, "Pregnant!" for a couple of weeks now. I encountered another emotion, one that really surprised me. After nearly 10 years of wanting so badly to be pregnant (and to actually sustain a pregnancy), I was actually relieved at the negative result.

I had no idea I would feel that way. Of course, I've known for a while now that my family is complete and that a biological child is no longer something I wish for, especially since it would render my children "different" from a genetic offspring. But I still expected the sting, the harsh reminder of infertility. It wasn't there. Hmmft. Figure that one out.

A few hours later the blood came. I soon realized that it wasn't a regular period. The pressure on my lower back, waves of blood rather than a steady stream, aches in my upper thighs, exhaustion - these things tell me that it is something else. A loss.

As opposed to how I have felt in the past about these things, I am no longer mourning my infertility. Rather, I am simply grieving the loss of this specific life - the child I am unable to sustain.

I need to figure something out. Birth control? I hate the side effects. No more sex? Puh-lease. A complete hysterectomy? Yes, thank you! Wait for menopause? I'm not even sure when that happens.

Hmm...I've really got to think about this one. I don't want to go through this ever again.

Update on the Critter

My husband didn't smell it at all. He almost didn't believe me when I told him how sure I was that there was a rotting carcass in the house.

It's so weird because to me the odor was horrific. He finally, after I nagged him to submission, opened up the wall where we heard the scratching noise a few days ago. There was a baby squirrel there - dead.

Hubby thinks that it's possible that a predator scared the squirrel into finding an opening in the roof. Then the little guy worked his way down through the insulation into the bottom floor, just above the fuse box. That was the end of the line and the squirrel had no way to go from there.

Anyway, the wall is in the process of getting patched up. Since he has to paint the patch job anyway, he's going to paint the whole space. I chose a very pretty terra cotta color. It's going to really warm up the room.

Gone for a Bit

A little animal died in my chimney. No, I'm not speaking metaphorically. We heard scratching a couple of days ago in the area of our wood burning stove, and now there is a horrible odor in the family room. That's where my computer is located. So until I can get someone to come out and remove said beast, I will be away from the computer area.

I hope everyone is well, and many thanks for your kind words regarding the last post. You guys are the best!

Number Five

My body is telling me things I don't want to hear. After all these years it's not even necessary to pee on a stick. I'm pretty certain. Now all there is to do is wait. Wait until the life within drains from me. Of that fate I am certain as well.

I'm so sorry, little one. I'm so sorry this body can't hold on to you, make you grow and live. I'm so sorry.

Shopping

I hate, hate, HATE shopping, but I've done quite a bit of it in the last week or so. Now that summer is finally here, I find that my clothes are really out of style. Just awful. Plus, the kids need stuff too.

In the most traumatic of moments, I tried on bathings suits. I already had two that I kind of like - they cover all the horrible parts and accentuate the not-as-bad areas. The problem was that they are two piece deals, tankini with little skirts, so when bend over my tattoo (which is located on my lower back, just below my waistline) shows. I don't mind that it's visible, except when I'll be with my parents. I know it will bother them to see it, so I figure I'd find a couple of suits that cover that area. Well, the shopping turned out to be a success. I found two cute suits, plus a really cute Nautica skirt to wear over it - for only $58. Not bad at all.

Then today I found the perfect pair of capri jeans, I mean PERFECT - for only $16.00 at Marshalls. I used all the self control I could muster not to hoot and dance with joy right in the store. I'm still on a little bit of a high over that one.

Catching up with the Past

The past and the present are swirling and spiraling in a vortex of emotions and rediscovery. I can look at the past, see each decision, and realize how it shaped my present - how seemingly happenstance occurrences have created my life as it is today.

Things that I hadn't thought in so many years are now engrained and intertwined in my reality. People I haven't seen in two decades are now part of my everyday existence. How can they possibly be so different, yet so very much the same?

We have rediscovered teenage relationships through adult viewpoints. We have been willing to reveal so much of ourselves, so much of our inner workings. People normally cover the vulnerable parts, dress those aspects of our personalities nice and pretty. With these old relationships, we don't know how to convolute. We are approaching each other with childlike naiveté. It is healing, it is scary, it is comforting, it is real.

Weekend Update

After rain, rain, and more rain, we had an absolutely gorgeous day today. We were lucky in that this is the day we picked to have our first summer BBQ. Some people pitched in on bringing food, so the preparation for today's festivities was relatively easy too.

The kids had a ball playing in the yard with their cousins. They didn't stop for a minute. We adults ate way too much. But in our defense, the first summer grilling is always the best.

After everyone left my son decided he wanted to for a walk - just the two of us. During our walk I kept suggesting that we turn around and go home. - it was getting late. He didn't want to. He was really enjoying himself. I was too.

Last night the four of us went to a restaurant. It was the first time in a couple of months since my son's horrible restaurant behavior caused us to take pity on other patrons - so we've eaten at home. Since I've been working on setting firmer expectations for my son, he's been behaving much more maturely. So we went out. And it was a big success. We chose a local BBQ joint with a western theme. It's got very good food, but best of all it's very kid friendly.

Our little man tried to get out of his seat a few times, but I had a trick up my sleeve. I had my son seated in a booster seat, but I also asked the waitress to place a high chair at our table. Since my son hates high chairs, I used that to my advantage. Every time he tried to get out of his chair, I would say, "Do you want to sit back down, or do you want to go in the high chair." The first time he didn't respond I picked him up and started to put him in the high chair. He said, "No, Mama - that chair (the booster seat)." I said, "OK, but you have to stay seated." After that if he tried to get up, I would calmly count to three. He knows that by the time I get to three he's supposed to have listened - or else face a consequence. In this case, the consequence was clear in that he would have gone to the high chair - for good.

So he was quiet, he stayed seated, and he ate his food. I was very, very pleased. My daughter was very well behaved too, so we ordered a dessert as a reward. And we gave them lots of praise throughout the meal for good behavior. So far, so good. Things have improved, and hopefully we'll keep on this path.

I got the book that Cheryl recommended, but I have not read it yet. I'll do that this week. I'm sure I will get a lot out of it.

Reunion Stuff

Our 20 year high school reunion date has been moved 2 months closer than expected. It's going to be on September 9th. I'm so excited. I've been very busy with planning. We've got a web community up and running, and I've been real active in that.

There are still 7 classmates missing, and several people have jumped in to step up the search. I have a feeling 2 of those missing people are intentionally MIA what with unanswered phone messages and all. Ah well, not everyone has to be interested in a reunion I guess.

We've got another get together scheduled for next Saturday. This will be the 3rd large-ish scale mini-reunion before the main event. It'll be fun

One of my friends from high school, someone I haven't seen since graduation day, posted a beautiful and heartfelt message about how rare and how meaningful it is to him that we've come together like this. He said that it has helped heal his "broken adolescence". Amazing.

If I'm absent for a while, it is because of the planning.

Another Meme

I seem to keep lifting stuff from Blazing-Firebird. I just love these things. Here's another meme.

1. Are your parents married, divorced, deceased or other? Still married.
2. Are you a Vegetarian? No
3. Believe in Heaven? Yes
4. Have you come close to dying? No
5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? I wear jewelry but not 24/7
6. Are you eating? Not at the moment, though earlier tonight I had the most delicious Mussels Fra Diavalo at a really cool oceanside restaurant.
7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Sometimes
8. Wear Makeup? Most days
9. How many people have you kissed in the last month? Too many to count! My family is European, so we great each other with a kiss on the cheek, sometimes a kiss on each cheek.
10. Would you ever have plastic surgery? Not sure - probably not.
11. What do you wear to bed? Pajamas
12. Have you ever done anything illegal? Speeding and underage drinking. I'm not proud of either.
13. Can you roll your tongue? Yes
14. Pluck your eyebrows? Yes
15. What kind of watch(es)? I have a Bolova that my mother bought me when I was 16. My other watches are nothing special.
16. Abortion? I'm a feminist and a Democrat, but I do not favor abortions except in extreme medical conditions.
17. Hair color? Brown
18. Future child's name? I'm pretty sure my family is complete. No future children for us I think.
19. Do you snore? When my allergies are acting up I do.
20. If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go? Just one? That's too hard. I know I want to go to Greece, Japan, Africa (on safari), Italy (all over), Paris, the Grand Canyon, Tahiti, and Bora Bora...just to name a few.
21. What is on your feet right now? I'm barefoot.
22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Travel!
23. Gold or silver? Both, but not at the same time.
24. Hamburger or hot dog? Hamburger
25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pizza
26. Beach, city, or country? Beach
27. What was the last thing you touched before the keyboard? Laundry
28. Where do you eat? I seldom sit down to eat. I take bites here and there while I feed my kids and clean up.
29. When's the last time you cried? I don't remember .
30. Have you read blogs? Sure I have!
31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? No
32. Ever been involved with the police? No
33. How many times have you been married? Once
34. Do you talk in your sleep? No
35. Beach or pool? Beach
36. What's your favorite song at the moment? You're Beautiful
37. How do you take your steak? Red meat isn't really my thing, but on the rare occasion I do it it, I like a lot of red in it - Medium Rare to Medium
38. Window or seat aisle? Window
39. Ever met a famous person? A few
40. Do you feel that you've ever had a truly successful relationship? Yes, with my husband.
41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
42. Rickie Lake or Oprah Winfrey? Oprah
43. Basketball or Football? Neither. I really don't get sports.
44. How long do your showers last? Depends. Just a few minutes if my kids are up. Quite a few minutes if they are asleep.
45. Do you drive a stick? No
6. Cake or ice cream? My favorite is warm chocolate cake with an ice cream scoop on top.
47. Self-conscious? Much of the time.
48. What time do you get up? Around 6:00 am
49. Have you ever given money to a bum? I used to go to school and work downtown for many years. I gave money to homeless people frequently, but after I had some encounters with some really weird/crazy/belligerent people, I stopped giving.
50. When was your first crush? I was a freshman in high school, and I had a crush on the high school football team's quarterback. When he asked me out, I literally ran away. I ran all the way home. I was such a dork.
51. Where do you wish you were? Somewhere warm and tropical.
52. Have you ever broken someone's heart? Not sure.
53. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? No
54. Have you ever ridden on/in a fire truck? No
55. Last gift you received? Christmas gifts
56. Name the last three things you purchased. A pair of black capri pants with a red sleeveless top and strappy black sandals.
57. Things you spend a lot of money on? My kids.
58. What state do you live in? NH
59. How do you eat an OREO? Can't remember. It's been quite a long time.
60. Last wedding attended? My friend Larry
61. Favorite Fast Food place to eat? There's an independently owned Mexican place at the mall. It's got very healthy, fresh, and tasty food.
62. Do you like to shop? NO!
63. Most hated food/drink? Celery, beer, and rootbeer
64. Last play you saw? Oh, it's been a while. Probably "Rent".
65. Can you sing? I have a horrible singing voice...but that doesn't stop me!
66. One thing you hate? Intentional malice.
67. One wish: To raise my kids to the best of my ability.
68. Favorite drink? Non alcoholic - water. Alcoholic - merlot.
69. Current Crush: Does my husband count? I wouldn't qualify it as a crush - it's more like a steady romance.
70. What is my height? 5' 2"
71. What is my shoe size? 6.5 or 7

Total Turnaround

The change is amazing. He went from wild child to a pleasant and relatively well-behaved little boy. I'm shocked at the rapid transformation.

His previous behavior was completely my fault, I'm convinced of it. I let him get away with stuff, I pacified him constantly. My thinking was, "Oh, he's just a baby. He doesn't know any better." But when my daughter was that age, I was expected so much more from her. I think it's because her verbal skills were advanced for her age, and I thought of her as older than she was.

But it's so weird, now that I'm implementing time outs, giving choices, and issuing consequences for undesirable behavior (like taking away a toy or stopping play time), his verbal skills have improved too...in just a few days! He's been able to talk in full sentences for a while now, but even so, he didn't talk very often. Now that I'm communicating to him better about what I expect, he's communicating better with me. Less yelling, more words - from both of us.

It's much more fair to my daughter this way too. I couldn't get away with, "Just give it to him, he's just a baby. He doesn't know any better" much longer. She saw right through that faster than I did.

My stress level is way down again. My husband has been ripping away at part of the back yard as he slowly but surely builds a new retaining wall and staircase in our back yard. The dirt and the mess has been driving me nuts. But now that things have improved in the house, I'm feeling less stressed about what's going on outside the house.

In the meantime, I ordered this book which Cheryl recommended to me. I can't wait to get it in the mail.