Weird Dream

I had a bizarre dream last night. We were staying on the island of Nantucket for the summer, and the first part of the dream was pretty spectacular. OK, so that part was pretty great. The cottage we were renting was right on the water, and it was just gorgeous.

At some point in the dream I started having trouble with my eyes. It all started when I was in a house that was being cleaned by some government people wearing Haz Mat suits. I touched a surface that had been sprayed, then touched my eye. Smart, eh? Within seconds my eye started burning, then within hours my eye became red and teary, and the lids started drooping away from the socket.

To make matters worse, I started having trouble with the other eye. People began to avoid looking at me in the face. I knew I looked pretty awful, but I didn't know how bad it was until I looked in the mirror. My other eye had sunken right into the socket. All you could see was pink flesh and just a dot of the white remained. So one eye was a gaping eye socket hole, the other eye was red with the lids completely loosened from my face.

Typing this, I can see now how horribly gross that was. In the dream I wasn't too bothered by it. I was mainly concerned about my poor vision and the fact that people were avoiding me.

Before I awoke, during that period where I was half awake and half asleep, I was trying to figure out a way to properly flush out the eye with chemicals in it and suction out the eye that was sunken into my skull. I knew there was a solution, if I could only figure it out.

So what the heck was I trying to tell myself in this dream?

Hubba Hubba

This picture of George and Barack kind of did something for me.

Terrible Twos

The past few days have been extra challenging. My son has taken the terrible twos to an entirely new level.

Although he's very high energy, he's the kind of child who likes to be held often throught the day. He likes to keep me in sight. He's wary of strangers and new situations. He likes the comfort of being in familiar territory. So different from his fearless, independent sister.

The problem is that there is that part of him that's growing up and wanting to step out into the world - to test boundaries and explore the unknown.

He is a very frustrated little boy at the moment because he's realizing that you can't gain any independence by being held and clinging to mama's skirts. And my little boy is taking out his frustrations in a very loud way. He's yelling, he's upset, he's throwing tantrums. It's fraying at my nerves to say the least.

Yet at a moment's notice, he can be the sweetest little thing. He tears up every time the Chicken Little (the Disney movie) become sad. He gives me hugs and kisses completely out of the blue. He tries to make me laugh when I'm upset with him. So different from my daughter.

I just love that little guy. But he's driving me nuts.

Worries and Woes

So I'm walking down the street and I fall into a pothole.
The hole is filled with chunks
Chunks of worries and woes.
I want to get out and cover this hole back up, but hoisting myself out is a bit of a problem.
I start to drown in these chunks.

I call for help. HHHEEELLLLPPPP!!!
Someone hears me, helps me out, brushes me off.
Then they go about their merry way.
I look around for something to cover the hole, something to bury these worries and woes.

Then it starts to rain.
It rains and rains and rains.
I'm wet and cold, and I start to run.

As I run from this pothole I start to feel better.
I start to dance and jump in the puddles.
I smile and I laugh and I sing.

Then I look back.
I see that the worries and woes are scattering up and out of the pothole, blowing in the wind.
I run to try and retrieve them.
I need these worries and woes to be kept inside.
I need to control them, to keep track of them, to to pray on them at night.

It's no use. They are mere bits in the breeze.
I let go of them - for now.

Books I'm Reading

I just finished reading Peace Like a River by Leif Enger. It is the best modern fiction I have read in years. It's set in the 1960s in the Midwest, and the main characters center around a very faithful Christian family. The book is about miracles in the midst of tragedy. At the same time there are some light and funny moments that had me laughing out loud.

I have to admit that it took me until about 75 pages in before I really got into the story, but I stuck with it because of the because of how well written it was and how likeable the characters were. Once I got into it, I just couldn't put it down. I usually give my books away once I've read them, but I'm keeping this one to read again.

I've also been reading Boundless Healing by Tulku Thondup. I'm about half way through. It's written by a Buddhist monk, and it's purpose is to teach you to clear the mind of worries and clutter and to bring the mind to a more tranquil state. The premise is that if the mind is at peace and is able to focus on calming the body from within, we can become healthier, or at least be able to deal with pain and infirmities better. It's a very interesting book, and I'm getting a lot out of it.

I did it!

Well, I finally worked up the nerve to get the tattoo. I've wanted one forever, but only decided on an image a few weeks ago - the Aum symbol. Since my mother took the kids for the day, I called a friend of a friend, someone who has been in business in my town for 28 years, to do the job. I got the tattoo on my lower back, just below my waist line.

The tattoo artist had no idea what the symbol meant. Neither did the postman who decided to stick around and chat it up with us the entire time.

I gave them the short answer. It went like this:

Me: It's an Om (Aum) symbol.
Them: Om?
Me: You know when people meditate and they say Oooohhhmmm?
Them: Yaaaaa?
Me: That's the symbol for it.
Them: (weirded out silence)
Me: It's the Hindu symbol for God.
Them: Ohhh!! OK!! That's cool!

A longer answer can be found here .

To me, this symbol represents God. I feel that because most religions pray to their Creator, even though they may have different names for Him, we are all really praying to the same Deity. Because of this, the Aum symbol to me not only represents God, it represents how we as people are all interconnected through God.

The other meaning of the Aum symbol for me has to do with a mind/body connection. This symbol is displayed in any yoga class you go to. Yoga has been the one thing that has kept my body working and strong. I got a lemon of a spine, and it takes a lot of work (mental and physical, hence the mind/body connection) to keep my muscles to the point that they are not in spasm mode. I kind of feel that the tattoo is a reminder to me to keep myself as healthy as possible.

So...that's what I did today. Yay!

What I Believe

Clew asked her readers about their religious and/or moral frame of ethics. I thought it was a great topic. Here is my response:

Growing up I was taught that being a good Catholic would bring you closer to God. Praying (and a slew of other practices and rituals) would cleanse your soul and help to be pure in your actions and in your spirit. And of course the end result was a reward in heaven. Well, I still believe in the heavenly reward, but along the way I had some serious doubts about the way (for me) to get there. It took a long time to sort out being a Catholic with what my mind/heart/soul was telling me what a person a faith meant for me personally.

Problem was that I never really believed in many of the Catholic practices and rituals. I believed in God, Jesus, and even the Holy Spirit, but not necessarily in the Church and all those seemingly man-made practices.

There is a part of the Mass where we say, "Judge us not on our sins but on the faith of your Church." Well, this was a big problem for me when I was a kid. I was a good girl, always did what I was supposed to, but I never believed in what I was supposed to. This was driving me away from God. And I did not like that feeling at all. I wanted to be close to God and to remain by His side.

For example, as a little kid, I would look at the story of Noah and the Arc and think, "how did he get all those animals on one boat?" But the harder (much harder) question for me was, "Why did God save that one family and kill all the rest? What kind of God would kill His children because they did not listen to Him?" This was tough for me to swallow. It was hard for me to love God faced with that kind of a story and lesson.

And how about the story of Adam and Eve? Why would God throw his children out of paradise for wanting knowledge? Isn't knowledge what we all strive for? Isn't it human nature? Is human nature so evil? And if so, shouldn't we loathe ourselved for it? Well, growing up Catholic, I was taught in no uncertain terms that a certain amount of self-loathing is definitely something to strive for. Anything Earthly is considered a bad thing. But God created Earth. And Humankind. Why would he create something to be loathed?

I had these internal struggles until I went to high school (Catholic) and luckily had a religion teacher that taught me that I can have a different way of thinking and still be a person of faith. She taught us how to identify spiritual truths in scripture, and I am 100% certain that this is the one thing that has kept me close to God. I guess there are some, or many, that would say that she taught incorrectly. Maybe they would even call her sinful for her teachings, but I'm here to say that I am certain that I would have lost my faith by now if it were not for her.

Here is what my religion teacher taught us - the Bible stories were created in a time when people were illiterate. Because people did not have reading skills and/or access to books to teach them about religion and other things, people relied on stories, proverbs, and songs to teach their messages. It is possible that these stories are 100% factually true. It's also possible some events, people, and dialogs were a design to illustrate a series of truths.

The point is, don't get caught up in details when there is so much rich, beautiful spiritual truth to be found in the Bible's Creation story and so many other stories in the Bible. Really, this makes so much sense to me, and has caused me to stay close to the Church and my faith. It allows me to forgive myself for doubts and enjoy a closer relationship with God without all the guilt. Because guilt can be a killer.

I believe that God will love me unconditionally. Even if I eat meat during Lent on Fridays. Even if I use the name of the Lord in vain. Even if I murder or steal. Yes, even that.

I believe that God expects us to draw on our own strength and wisdom when times get tough. I do believe in prayer, but I also believe in relying on our own resources and strengths at bad times of our lives. Knowing and believing that there is a God in heaven (as well as on Earth and in our hearts) that loves us unconditionally, for me, makes things easier in difficult times. I do not rely on God to pull me out of bad situations. That is up to me. And what I do with those bad experiences to make me a better person in the long run is up to me as well.

I still consider myself a Catholic. It's all tied up with certain truths about myself that I can never deny. I go to Church when I can, but I no longer feel guilty when I don't go. I am raising my children in the Church and talk to them about God and Jesus. I try to be a good person and help people who are in need. I try my hardest not to hurt anybody (whether they are "good" or "bad") in any way. I pray whenever I feel the urge, but not to ask for what I want. Instead, I try to keep my prayers about giving thanks.

I believe that God wants us to learn from life's trials and tribulations, to enjoy peace and happiness when it comes to us, to grow and learn as people, and to become closer to Him in the process. If I stray from the Church, if I become angry with Him, God will still love me. I believe that.

Uneasy

For the past few mornings I have woken with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. As I slowly become aware of the world, I try to remember what has happened. What terrible event has caused me to feel this way? Then I realize that it's nothing. I mean, everything is OK in my life. Some things are even better than OK. But I still have that feeling that doom is looming over my head, and I don't know why.

Well, that's not entirely the truth. It took a few days, but after a thorough mental search (boy, is it messy in there!), I realize that I do know why. I hate the reason. It's foolish and unnecessary, too ridiculous even to give words to in this blog.

But I can't shake it. I'm stupidly hoping that just typing this will send these feeling from my mind, to my fingers and this keyboard, out into the blogosphere, where they will disintegrate into nothingness. Is that the way it works? Ya, I didn't think so either.

Are they psychic?

I 've read on other people's blogs how they can tell how many people are visiting their blog on a given day. They also seem to know where these readers are from and how often they visit.

How do these bloggers know this type of stuff? Is there a setting on Blogger that one can change to be able to view this information? And furthermore, is it worth it to be able to know? Does it drive a person batty after a while? Does it put the pressure on? Does one become overly conscious of who is reading and who stopped reading?

I'm so curious.

This, during Holy Week?

Read this article today and became very irritated. It's about the Catholic Church's refusal to subsitute the communion wafer and wine for those people who have medical conditions that preclude them from taking this particular form of the body and blood of Christ. Here is an excerpt from the article:

In New Jersey, a bishop declared invalid the First Communion of a girl with celiac disease who took rice wafers instead of those containing gluten. Her mother unsuccessfully petitioned the Vatican to reverse the decision.

Celiac disease is a genetic disease where ingesting gluten damages the small intestine, impairing the ability to absorb nutrients from food. If the disease goes untreated, it can cause other conditions, including anemia and osteoporosis.

I can't even talk about it right now in any kind of coherent manner because I find it so ridiculous. Come on guys, think about it. What would Jesus do?

Will the Pendulum Swing...

..back to the left? I wonder. Though I no longer live in Massachusetts, I was involved in state government and still loosely follow the goings on in the state.

The current governor is an extremely conservative Republican. The minute he came into office everything changed for the poor in Massachusetts. Even basic services for emergency aid (You know, like your house catches on fire and you need temporary food and shelter...that sort of thing.) were pretty much cut out. Made me so very angry.

But this guy looks very promising to me. I'll definitely be looking at the next race closely. Too bad I can't vote in Massachusetts.

Meme

I lifted this meme from Clew.

1. Who was your first Prom date? I borrowed my friend's boyfriend for my junior prom because I didn't have a date. My friend actually insisted on this, and her boyfriend really wanted to go to (he had several friends at my school), so I went along with it. We ended up having a great time.

2. Who was your first roommate(s)? I never had a roomate. I lived with my parents until I got married.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? Beer. I chugged it because I couldn't stand the taste but wanted the buzz. Well, needless to say, I got a little more than a buzz. What a mess. My friends literally had to carry me home. I still can't stand the stuff.

4. What was your first job? I worked at the church rectory - that's where the priests live. I answered telephone calls, helped the cook, and watched a lot of MTV and wrestling on TV. The priests just shook their heads whenever they passed by.

5. What was your first car? A 1978 Plymouth Valiant. My cousin passed it down to me because it she thought it was so uncool and convinced her dad to get her a Caddie, but I loved it.
6. When did you go to your first funeral? I was 16 when the first of my grandparents passed away. That was my first funeral.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your home town? 30

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Miss Sullivan. I remember that she was really nice and really stylish. It was in the 1970s, and she had the trendy flipped up hairdo just like a young Mary Tyler Moore.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Canada. I was 5 years old.

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I never snuck out of my house. But there was the time that I stayed at my cousin's house and snuck out of her house with her to go to a party. She was a wild one. We had a blast.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Her name was Christine. We became best friends in the 3rd grade, lost touch in the 5th grade because I went to a different school, then became best friends again in the 9th grade when we ended up at the same school again. We stayed close up until the end of high school. We drifted apart then stopped speaking over a stupid argument shortly after college. I haven't seen her in years.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? When I got married, we rented a crappy little apartment for about a year. Then my parents put their house on the market, and my husband and I bought it. We lived in that house for a few years before selling and moving the the same town as my parents.

13. Who is the first person you call if you have a bad day? My mother or my husband - whoever is available at the moment.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsmen? My cousin. That was in 1987.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Groan. OK, that sounded dirty, but it's just the pain of having to get up at an ungodly hour.

16. What is the first concert you ever went to? Rick Springfield. How embarrassing! I think I was in middle school at the time.

17. First tattoo or piercing? Pierced ears at 5 years old. I plan on getting my first tattoo soon.

18. First Celebrity crush? Andy Gibb. Sigh. I still remember all the words to one of his songs. "Love is higher than a mountain. Love is thicker than water. You are this dreamers only dream. Heaven's angel, devil's daughter."

19. Age of first kiss? I had just turned 17. Before that a few boys puckered up and tried to come in for the kill, but I had pretty quick reflexes.

20. First crush? 8th grade. My best friend and I both liked the same boy. We would call him on the phone and try to disguise our voices, but I'm sure he knew it was us. He was such a nice guy. Still is.

21. First time you did drugs? I was 16 I think. I smoked pot sometimes in high school, but I was no longer interested by the time I started college.

My Heart Is Full

It is a few hours after my daughter's 4th birthday party. We had close friends and family over, lots of food and laughter. There was an incredible amount of kids and dirt, cake and fingerprints, spills and messes. Funny how an obsessive clean freak like myself can become almost comfortable with such messes and disarray.

My daughter had such a good time. She is the consumate party girl. She loves all the attention, the gifts, the noise, and the activity. So opposite of me. So different. Yet I get such a thrill just from the sheer fact that she is getting so much joy out of it.

At this moment I am filled with thanks. Thank you, God. Thank you for this family, for these beautiful children.

P.S. A little something that happened today...my eccentric and very generous brother in law bought two bottles of very expensive champagne for the party. Well, he poured me a glass while I was cutting the cake. In the midst of scooping, cutting, and doling out the cake and ice cream, my friend's 4 year old daughter exclaimed, "Ew, I don't like this!" I looked down and she was holding my glass of champagne. I looked at her parents and could only say, "I'm so sorry!" This little girl not only had her first sip of alcohol at the tender age of 4, she had it from a $300 bottle! I think she might be a diva in the making. We'll see...

Happy Birthday, Dear Daughter

My daughter is turning 4 next week. Her party is this weekend, and she is out of her mind excited about it. Can't believe how fast the time has gone.

We're having approximately 30 people over on Sunday. Temps will only be in the mid to high 50s, but for around here, that's practically summer. People will most likely be going out into the yard to let all the kiddos run around.

Menu is as follows: baked ziti, mac and cheese for the kids, ham, chili, and green salad. For appetizers: chips and dip, veggies and dip, hummus and toasted pita wedges, and a warm mexican bean/cheese layered dip. For dessert, of course there will be the (Barbie Fairytopia) cake and ice cream, plus a fruit salad.

I'm very excited for my baby. Can't believe she's going to be four.

If I think about you
will you know it?

If I call out to you
will you hear it?

If I yearn for you
will you come to my side?

If I need to be comforted
will you hold me?

Class Reunion

So we're planning our 20-year high school reunion. I'm the person who is in charge of finding missing classmates. Out of a class of 69, I've found all but 7 people so far. It's been wild catching up with people.

Here's how things have unraveled so far:

• Three live out of state - all in California.
• One recently moved back from California.
• One is a Hollywood screenwriter.
• One passed away.
• One is dying.
• One is in prison, serving 10 to life.
• One is mentally ill.
• Several are not speaking to each other.
• One is in remission from cancer.
• Most of us who have children have preschoolers, some even have infants (funny how a lot of us started so late).
• A good many are single with no children.
• Several of us are still with our high school or college sweethearts.
• We've already had pre-reunion get togethers with more planned.
• Several of us a chatting daily online.
• Three people told me how much they needed this in their lives right now and how it's saved them from a bit of depression and lonliness. And I know where they are coming from.
• One of my good friends is not happy about reconnecting with other classmates. He may not go to the reunion at all.