My Shell

I feel like a baby chick
about to hatch out of its shell

I've never seen the yellow rays of the sun
or felt the cold rain on my little feathers

The shell has protected my life so far
but it has kept me from living it

I love this shell
I'm scared to come out

Joke of the Day*

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. "She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

*The title of this post suggests that there will be jokes every day. Well, I lied. Now try to go on with your day as best you can.

I need a day off

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids more than anything in the world, but sometimes a mother just needs a break.

I've been bugging (nagging possibly?) the hubby for a day off for over a year now. He just doesn't get it. I understand that he works hard too and his day doesn't end when he comes home. He and I clean up after supper together, give the kids baths, and put them to bed. He says who is going to give him his day off? I'm certainly not stopping him.

I've worked the full-time job, plus a part-time thing too and I'll tell ya, there is a lot of difference between putting up with the office job routine and dealing with the demands of needy children. Again, not to say I don't love my kids. I adore them. They're are the cutest, smartest, most enjoyable kids I have ever met. In my life. If I do say so myself.

But I need a day off.

Here's what I would do if I had the day to myself:

I would get up early and drive to Wellington train station in Medford. I would then take the orange line to Boston. I'd get off at Downtown Crossing (or is State Street station closer?) and walk up to Borders book store. They open early.

I'd spend a ridiculous amount of time looking at novels, self-help books, magazines, cookbooks, and fitness books. I'd drape myself over chairs, sit on the floor with books littered around me, and find corners to hide myself to read the good parts. I'd then buy one or two books.

I'd take my books and walk down to Fanueil Hall. There I'd do some shopping, bench sitting, people watching, coffe sipping, and some more book reading. Maybe I'd stroll over to the waterfront and watch the boats go sailing by. Sit down on the grass at Columbus Park and read some more.

Then it would be visiting time. I'd pop over to where I used to work and say hi to all my peeps there. They ask me to lunch, and as much as I'd like to, I've got plans with me, myself, and I. Besides, I'd much rather meet them after work for martinis. I'll leave my shopping bags there so I won't have to lug them around for the rest of the day.

Then I'd walk down a few doors to Pho Pasteur, my favorite Vietnamese restaurant in Chinatown. I'd order my favorite dish, rice noodles with vegetables and chicken, and carry it over to Boston Public Gardens, where I'd eat my lunch on a bench near the duck pond.

Once I finish lunch I'll read my book for a while, then take a walk over to Newbury Street. I'd have already made an appointment to have my fingernails and toenails done. Pretty. Once done, I'd do some window shopping until it was quitting time at the old workplace.

Me and my peeps would stop off for a martini or two. OK, maybe not two. Can't handle two anymore. Wuss.

And that would be my day.

I might be chickening out

Gah! I'm getting nervous about the tattoo. It's just so goddamn permanent. I really, really want it, but I'm scared that I'll regret it in the future. I'm such a wuss.

"Oooooohhhhhmmmmmm...."

So I had the coolest dream ever last night. It was a great dream to start - a glorious day on a sundrenched tropical beach. But the way the dream ended was the important part.

I woke up with an image of me running into the sea, and I had a tattoo on my back, in the area between my shoulder blades. The tattoo was the image of a gold-toned Aum. This symbol is important to me for more reasons than one, but I'll save that for another post.

I woke up with my heart beating fast. I looked at the clock and saw that it was only 5:30 a.m. Early, but I had to share my excitement with someone. I poked dear husband in the side and loudly whispered, "I'm getting a tattoo!!" He said, "Oh, God!", rolled over, and went back to sleep. He hates tattoos, but I've been wanting one since college (late 80s). I haven't gotten one in all this time because I never had a clear idea of what kind of tattoo to get and where to put it. It had to have significance.

Best friend is accompanying me on Saturday when the deed will be done. I'm so damn excited.

Families say the darndest things

After I lost 40 pounds, my uncle and his new thin wife had the following discussion with me about my weight and my marriage of 10+ years:

Them: Your husband must really love you.
Me: Yes, I know he does. I really love him too. We are very lucky to have each other.
Them: Yes, but he must really love you.
Me: Why do you say that?
Them: Because when you were fat he stayed with you.
Me: (stunned silence)
My mother: No, she was never fat!
Them: Oh YES, she was really fat.
Me: (mouth open in complete disbelief)

What I wanted to say is this: You two are made for each other. You judge people based on what they weigh, what kind of clothes they wear, and how much money they make. Each of you left your first spouse (wonderful people, by the way) because they did not meet your shallow expectations. You shattered your families based on superficial judgments. I hope you both stay thin, rich, and hollow because the other one would leave you in a heartbeat. That is NOT love and that is NOT very nice.

But I didn't say anything. I just smiled stupidly and wandered away.

I'm not so good with commitment

It's true. I'm in my late 30s, and I've never held a job for more than 5 years (in my defense, I've left my jobs for "better" jobs and I've been promoted many times). I seem to shy away from friends when relationships start getting strong. I become involved with groups, both online and in real life, then leave if I start getting uncomfortable because too much has been shared. I really don't like this about myself, but the bonus is that I stay within my comfort zone. I always feel a great sense of relief when I've broken things off.

Oh, that just looks so awful and cold in writing. And I don't consider myself to be an awful or cold person in the least. Hmmm. Wonder what that means...?

On the other hand, I've been with the same guy forever, and we've been married for almost as long. I really can't see divorce as something that would ever happen to us. At least, I hope it would never happen to us. We go through tough times here and there, but we stick together and really do love each other. Now that we have kids (another part of my life that I absolutely cherish), the incentive to stay together has increased tenfold. Plus, we make each other laugh.

So, I resolve to you, dear blog, to stick with you when I have the words to express what I want to say and even when I don't. I'm staying put....

I hope.

Conversations with God

I'm nearly finished with a book called Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. It is about a man who claims to have transcribed actual conversations with God through his writing. It answers many questions such as why is the world in such a sorry state, why many relationships fail, whether there is a heaven and a hell, and if there is such thing as reincarnation. Absolutely fascinating.

There are 900+ reviews on Amazon.com from people who have read this book. I didn't read all 980 reviews, but I did skim through nearly the whole list and read many of them.

I noticed that fundamentalist Christians (or rather, those people who I assumed to be fundamentalist Christians based on what they wrote) gave one star reviews - the very worst you can give. They called the book blasphemous and dangerous.

Many people who didn't seem to be very strict in their religion, but did not believe that the words came directly from God gave it a 4 star rating. They thought it was a very well written book but quite likely a sham.

There were others who gave the book a 5 star rating - the very best you can give. I was one of them. In a future post I will describe why I loved this book so much and why it's made such an impact on me. I'm having trouble putting it into words at the moment. I've made several attempts, but I have deleted them all because my words weren't good enough...

....which incidentally is one of the reasons I deleted my last blog. I am very self-critical. It's something I really need to work on. I need to write what I feel then just let it exist, just as if I had spoken aloud the words.

We'll see how this goes.