Reflections

There was a time I drank to drown my sorrows. I drank during the day, every single day. I would finish my chores, then pour myself a couple of very tall, stiff drinks. I ruefully called this time of day my happy hour, and I actually looked forward to it. It makes me sick to think of that.

It was sad, self-pitying, lonely time. I had left my job in the anticipation of an adoption that never happened - we were ready to receive a brother and sister, 1 and 3 years old, overseas.
When that fell through I found myself very depressed with a lot of time on my hands.

I am a person who has trouble sharing my pain, and with the exception of my mother and my husband, no one knew how messed up I really was. I was angry and hurting deep, and I turned to the bottle to numb myself. Dumb.

At that time I had no supports, however that was my own fault. My friends knew what I was going through, but not what was happening inside of me. They didn't know about he dank, ugly mess that was my soul. I think they would have turned from me to avoid seeing a person who had become a black hole.

I didn't know about adoption message boards at that time. I didn't find them until after we had adopted our children. I wonder if it would have helped. On the other hand, with so many trolls and anti-adoption voices, maybe I was better off. I was way too fragile to know about the existence of birthmothers and adult adoptees who choose to view adoption negatively.

During the time when we waited for our children I developed many deep wounds that I thought would never heal. I lost myself completely. I thought I'd never return from such an lightless place, but my children saved me. Those adoption boards who repeatedly claim "adoption doesn't cure infertility" really do not know of which they speak. I needed children in my life. I needed a family of my own. The fact is that I have what I am looking for. I finally have the purpose I waited so long for.

I can't say that it doesn't matter that my children have biological parents other than my husband and me. Of course it matters. They matter. The kids' biological parents are an addition to our lives - they do not subtract what we have as a family. I wish I knew that during that difficult time when I very mistakenly viewed adoption as the alternative to a "real" family. I wish I knew. It would have saved a lot of wear and tear on my heart and my soul.

Very slowly, very surely, I am regaining myself. I am coming back to that place where I feel secure in the world, where I feel that pain does not lurk around every corner. I am feeling a bit of self confidence coming back to me.

The positive side to all those experiences is that my scars have made me a much stronger person. As they heal, I can feel the pain in every stitch. The memories of all those experiences have become physical entities sewn right into my body. These scars have made me tougher - so much tougher, but more importantly, I can see the silver lining where I never really did in the past. I finally understand the sayings Everything Happens for a Reason, God Has a Plan, and This Too Shall Pass.

I thank God for my infertility, for the years of heartbreak and sorrow. Without them I wouldn't have my children, these gifts from God, and without them I wouldn't have the new and improved me. Thank God.