The Test

I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning and it came out negative. I was pretty shocked, considering how my body has been screaming, "Pregnant!" for a couple of weeks now. I encountered another emotion, one that really surprised me. After nearly 10 years of wanting so badly to be pregnant (and to actually sustain a pregnancy), I was actually relieved at the negative result.

I had no idea I would feel that way. Of course, I've known for a while now that my family is complete and that a biological child is no longer something I wish for, especially since it would render my children "different" from a genetic offspring. But I still expected the sting, the harsh reminder of infertility. It wasn't there. Hmmft. Figure that one out.

A few hours later the blood came. I soon realized that it wasn't a regular period. The pressure on my lower back, waves of blood rather than a steady stream, aches in my upper thighs, exhaustion - these things tell me that it is something else. A loss.

As opposed to how I have felt in the past about these things, I am no longer mourning my infertility. Rather, I am simply grieving the loss of this specific life - the child I am unable to sustain.

I need to figure something out. Birth control? I hate the side effects. No more sex? Puh-lease. A complete hysterectomy? Yes, thank you! Wait for menopause? I'm not even sure when that happens.

Hmm...I've really got to think about this one. I don't want to go through this ever again.